Transforming DNA

I’ve been trying to stay in the energy of my inner child as much as possible right now as I am going through some family and root chakra healing. I spent the afternoon at the park on Tuesday, I felt so relaxed and accepted in this swing. I allowed myself to play and to feel bliss just because. It was a wonderful feeling as most of my life I have spent worrying that my sense of foundation would crumble right below me. That I have to constantly be tweaking who I am and the environment around me in order for me to feel I can relax, but what I am trying to cultivate is staying relaxed in every moment, no matter how mundane or challenging, can I keep my energy open and relaxed? This is a brand new concept for me as I have struggled with feeling safe in my own body, which is my home, this stems from my parents relationship always being unstable. As a sensitive young child I remember feeling that my sense of home was fractured, the foundation was built on false identities and it made me feel anxious as if everything could fall apart at any second. I felt out of control, which lead to me becoming a “control freak” and I struggle with perfectionism. I never felt a sense of security, this made me grasp to the physical to create a feeling of stability, I turned to food as it brought me a sense of pleasure and stimulated the feeling of joy and excitement. Food is amazing, but when you’re dependent on it to make you feel joy, you become a prisoner to it. I am healing the attachment I had formed to food and it equaling security and comfort. It is unfamiliar and has been an extremely hard habit to break, but I am so proud of how far I’ve come. It hasn’t just been about weight loss for me, it’s been about healing old habitual patterns that have kept me from loving myself unconditionally and opening up to receive love, support, comfort and security from others, not in a dependent way, but in a way that allows me to feel a sense of community and safety. We all know that when our sense of security comes from outside of ourselves we struggle to find peace and a sense of home.

My parents had been off and on my entire life, I remember my dad coming to my birthday party when I was maybe seven or eight, like he was a guest, I remember watching him walk up to the door as I watched from a window above and felt his sadness. Everything my dad has done has been for his children. He neglected himself his entire life in order to make sure that he was always there for us. He felt too much guilt, he couldn’t abandon us, he had been abandoned and he would never do that to his children. My mother had lost her mother less than one year before I was born. She wouldn’t allow herself to feel her grief to its fullest because she was a new mom and she had to be happy for her baby, so she neglected herself in order to do what she was “taught” was right, she believed by repressing her grief she was helping me, but in fact I felt it from her without her ever needing to express it. I carried it for them because that was my responsibility as their child, right?

I grew up believing that love is loneliness and sadness, I watched my parents pretend to love each other and I could never understand why they were even together. I grew to love them deeply of course, they were my life line, my sense of stability and care. Yet at the same time I felt a crippling sense that I was in danger. The survival part of my mind has been running my life since I was young, so allowing myself to let my guard down is uncomfortable and a little frightening. I’ve been practicing and the safer I begin to feel in my own skin, in my own vessel and home. I remember watching them and sensing their genuine disinterest in one another. It became like watching a charade. Being a child that was deeply sensitive, I could sense the resentment and hostility they were actually feeling, but as I watched their behavior I was confused as to why they were pretending to love each other. My parents were strangers to themselves and as a result I learned how to become a stranger to myself. The only way I could fit in was by abandoning myself.

I’ve been trying to “fix” my parents and their relationship since I was a young child, although I was unaware of it at the time. When my brother was born things began to change in our family dynamic. I held deep resentment towards my brother for coming in and taking all of my time and care. He required extra attention and it became my unconscious responsibility to make sure nothing happened to him, to make sure he was safe and watched over. I was born to be a mother and I always felt an urge to mother my family members without even realizing I was doing it. My brother brought out a different side of my dad and mom. I begin to see my dad project his unconscious anger and resentment onto my brother. He would yell and he couldn’t take the crying and attention that my brother required. He became frustrated and took it out on all of us. I would become so confused when my dad would lash out. It was like watching Jekyll and Hyde. I was seeing two versions of him and I never knew when he would be triggered next, so I began to build my wall. My mother became distanced from me, my brother took all her time and she loved the attention he wanted from her, they had always been closer and I had always felt closer to my dad as my mother had detached from her emotions after her mother died and I couldn’t feel anything from her, she became cold and distant and I felt like I had lost both of my parents. I didn’t know where they went or why they were acting this way, but all I could do was adapt. That is the best part about children, they adapt to their environment easily. I wanted to fix it, I wanted it to go back to the way it was before, and to me; fixing it meant me trying to please them by modifying and altering my behavior in order to make them feel joy, to do anything in avoiding another lash out. But along the way I realized they couldn’t accept joy, nor did they want it. I began to pull myself down to meet their energy at a young age and it sucked the life right out of me, I had to create a false identity in order to fit into my family.

It wasn’t until I began to really dig deeper and look back at my parents relationship that I started to learn a lot about why I felt the way I did, why I lived the way I did and why I believed in the things I did. I had an epiphany the other day as I was in the shower. I have been working on releasing the feeling of deep loneliness and lack and I asked aloud to myself; where is this feeling stemming from? I then went back to my moment of my conception and I was shown that the energy in which I was conceived was the energy of grief, the emotional state that my mother was in the moment I was created in her womb, she was experiencing grief. Not joy, love or pleasure, but deep despair. My father was feeling deep emptiness and abandonment. My parents were completely unaware of the energy they were actually embodying because they had been taught that the emotions they were truly experiencing were unacceptable to feel. My parents both have their reasoning for feeling the way they did and making the decisions they did, I don’t blame them, but my point is; our healing goes back to the moment of conception, back even further to the karmic and subconscious lessons we have with these members of our family.

Family healing goes beyond this lifetime and generally the members we incarnate with, we have incarnated with many of other lifetimes. The bond is strong because of the karma, it’s not always necessarily unconditional love, most of us experience the most wounding from the people we love the most, why? There is a deeper unfolding and understanding that is happening. If we began to look at our relationships from a different perspective, from the perspective of our soul, especially when it comes to our family members or the people that hurt us deeply we could come out of the energy of suffering and be able to forgive and free ourselves. The relationships that cause us the most suffering are spiritual teachers in disguise. When we see the relationships that once hindered us as catalysts for growth we step out of the past and into our destiny.

I share this because I have been experiencing glitches and energy transformation, I’ve felt my DNA literally changing and being renewed. It fascinates me that our DNA can be upgraded through the belief system and healing our emotional and energy bodies. As I’ve been going through this transformation I see a glimpse of the future and then I see a memory from the past. They are arising and dissipating within my consciousness rapidly. It feels like my life is flashing before my eyes. In a sense I am dying, I can feel the energy being cleansed as I continue to heal and become more aware of beliefs I’ve held deep in my subconscious.

The synchronicity was mind blowing!

As I am going through this healing I am finding my place within my incarnated family. I had always hid away from them because I felt they couldn’t “handle” my energy. I know it’s a challenge for them to see me go through this, for them to see me for who I truly am and not who I had pretended to be in order to please them. I am breaking away and finding my ground. I’ve never felt so respected and appreciated within my family like I do right now. Even though I go against the grain, even though I do things they don’t always understand, they still support me in their own way and in their own capacity and that I am grateful for. Honestly I have held onto so much anger and resentment towards all my family members that the only person it was hurting was me. As I’ve freed myself from the idea of family and I embraced my family for who they are and what they came to teach me I am able to reinvent myself and my idea of family.

Redefining and reinventing ourselves is the most uncomfortable and challenging experience we will go through. The best part is; I’ll never stop transforming, in fact my journey feels like it has just begun, as if I’ve only touched the surface of who I can and came here to be. I thank my family because without them I couldn’t have learned what I needed in order to fulfill my life mission and purpose. I know each and everyone of them protected me in their own way, even when it felt like they were hindering me or couldn’t see me, my angels would and still tell me that they actually protected me from harm. When I look back at my karma I see so clearly how in experiencing a family dynamic like this kept me from even more damaging trauma and that is why I feel so appreciative of them, though I don’t always show or express it because it is unfamiliar and sharing my truth makes others a little uncomfortable. I think that was one of my main lessons, speaking up even when it makes others feel uncomfortable. Not keeping myself quiet out of fear of how others will perceive me or my “work”/ creations. When we use our perceived “setbacks” as teachers we grow outside our reach and we become who we are meant to be.

Our lives do not have to be spectacular in order to be shared, in fact it is our challenges that build our character and that show us what we’re truly made of. I feel extremely privileged to have a family that never left me out in the cold, they have met me with resistance and understandably so, but they have never once abandoned me. What I had to realize is that it was only me who abandoned myself and my love for them. I remember having a huge and open heart as a young child and I couldn’t carry their pain for them and still feel light and free, so I weighed myself down in order to keep them afloat. I know they came here to teach me how to set boundaries and how to love myself first so that I could still carry the weight of the world and not be burdened by it. Without them I would not be who I am today, without my experiences I would not have attained the wisdom and knowledge needed for this next level of life I am transforming into.

The playground I went to had signs from spirit! Love it!

The nostalgia is hard core recently, this can either make us cling to everything that has ever gone “wrong” or “bad” in our lives or we can use it to fuel our passion for something radically different and new. It feels like the ground is ripe and full of potential and we get to choose if we will plant weeds or if we will plant beautiful flowers. When we a watering the seeds of anger, resentment, pain, rejection and loss we will reap more of that into our lives. When we water the seeds of love, joy, passion and purpose we reap a bountiful harvest. Watering our minds with optimism daily can help to unlock blissful memories from our subconscious. If we are only focused on the negativity and darkness it will continue to overwhelm us and we will feel powerless to it, keeping us “stuck” in the energy of suffering. Suffering is a choice, you must make it a priority to focus on hope, positivity, joy, love and gratitude in order to shift your energy. When we are literally born into the energy of suffering it can feel extremely uncomfortable and unfamiliar to embody the energy of success and fulfillment. Be gentle with yourself, you are going through a lot and you deserve to feel happiness. Even when others are going through a difficult time and feel “lost”, anxious, sad and depressed does not mean you have to meet them there. Stand in your power and use your belief in miracles to be a pillar of strength and watch your life transform before your eyes.

I hope that this message is helpful, so many of us keep our family patterns in the dark out of fear and shame that we are exposing a secret family recipe and we are betraying the people we love most, but I’ve found the more I continue to be honest and stand up for what I believe in, they adjust. If you’re awakening to your family patterns you may meet adversity when you begin to implement boundaries and put yourself first, but remember that on a soul level they want you to learn this, they want to teach you how to stand in your power. Thank them for this, even if it breaks your heart to tell them no or go against what they taught you. If you want to create something different for yourself, you first have to accept and acknowledge these behaviors and beliefs you have formed around family, love, relationships, men and women. If you’re interested in healing family patterns and your relationship with self so that you can have the relationship and family you’ve always desired, I would love to work with you! Send me an email for details!

I could have spent all day swinging in this with the sun shining on me!

Thank you for reading!

Love & blessings, Ashley <3