Lost & Found {a short story by Ashley Emig}

One year ago today I was leaving my home state, by myself, for the first time, in my newly owned 1977 Chevy Beauville van. It was Memorial Day weekend 2021, just one week before my 30th birthday & I was bound & determined to make it to the ocean to celebrate a new decade. I headed west toward Colorado, but had to stay the night in Nebraska, at my first free “campsite” which was really just a rural parking lot surrounded by a lake.

I had been living in my van, staying in campgrounds I grew up going to every weekend, for a few months prior in Iowa as I awaited my license plates, tags & my passport to arrive. But this night in Nebraska, was my first time staying in a place I had never been before, & that first night was challenging, as my van was older & didn’t have automatic locks or windows, making it easier to break in. I also had minimum privacy with my curtains & make shift sheet to cover the front window, making it easier for onlookers to have a looksee if they wanted.

I’m not sure if that ever really happened, but I can tell you that I was scared every single night that I slept in that van. It never truly felt safe, but honestly i didn’t care at the time, I just knew that this was something I had always wanted to do, & had been preparing for, both unintentionally & intentionally for sometime.

I have always craved adventure & freedom & travel & self discovery. I love to put myself in uncomfortable situations to see how I’ll respond mentally & emotionally & how I can grow because of it. Little did I know just how much this last year was going to change me. Mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually.

As I made my way across the flat lands of Nebraska & into Colorado, I eventually made it to the the scenic part of the state. The snow capped mountains, the steep inclines covered in lush green trees, driving through the clouds as the altitude elevated & the rain fell & lighting lit up the stormy sky, mesmerized by the earth as I drove through the peaks. To say the least it was breathtaking. I have driven through the state of Colorado before, but this time was different, this time I was in a different place internally, I was in a place where I was so present to the beauty, that as I was stuck in traffic jams on the mountain side I was both crying tears of awe & laughing out loud to myself because I couldn’t believe what I was doing.

The pressure you feel as the elevation inclines, is kind of how I felt, I felt this weight, this guilt for getting out & getting away. I felt the burden of leaving my family behind, of finally doing something for myself for once. I felt so “bad” for “abandoning” them. I see now that my trip wasn’t necessarily about “running away” it was all about perspective. & as I steeped down the mountains, into the valleys, that’s what I would gain from climbing to the top. & as I came down, slowly, I would feel the pressure enfold on top of me. I would look up & be surrounded by towers of rocks enclosing me, like I was guarded in the valleys, protected in my lowest moments. The valleys made me feel small again, they humbled me & reminded me how minuscule my emotions are in the grand scheme of life.

As I continued to head westward I spent one night in a Walmart parking lot, ate chipotle & watched a movie. It was a rainy & cold night & I felt the pangs of loneliness throttle through my entire body. I numbed out my grief with food & mindless scrolling until I finally cried myself to sleep in that corner lot in Aurora Colorado. I remembered the name of the city because I thought it was pretty.

Then I arose the next morning & kept moving forward. That was the theme of this adventure, just keep moving forward, Ashley, that’s all you have to do. One of my greatest qualities is that I see every day as a new beginning. A clean slate. It’s a new day to start fresh. So that’s what I did, that day, & that’s what I do, everyday. I still had so much ground to cover & only a few days to do it in, so I kept going, without a plan, just a GPS & a desire to get to the ocean.

My next stop was at a tiny little campground off the side of the road in Glenwood Springs CO, the views outside my windows were these tall mountains covered in the most vibrant green I had ever seen. I spent one night there & that was the first night I had a panic attack trying to fall asleep. It’s also important to note that at this time, I’m deep into New Age practices. Right before I left I had bought crystal necklaces, to “protect” me, so I thought. One was an amethyst shield & the other a clear quartz star. & replaced my cross I had been wearing since 2020. When I look back I think, how foolish? I really thought a couple rocks were going to keep me safe?

But I digress, as I’m lying in the dark, alone, in a foreign place, my mind is spiraling out of control. I’m having thoughts of the men, the owners of the campground; Aimes Acres, plotting to kidnap me & kill me, like they have with so many other single women who have passed through. I get myself so worked up that I’m on the brink of going unconscious. My hearing is fading in & out, I feel blazing hot on the inside & I’m having tunnel vision. Im holding my phone for dear life, but realize I have no one to call. So I’m calling upon my guides & angels & ancestors & ascended masters & goddesses to protect me.

I eventually calm myself down, enough to get me to the point where I’m about to fall asleep & then it’s like my mind won’t allow itself to go into deep sleep. So I stay half asleep, basically sleeping with one eye open until morning light. I always feel safer in the light. I consult my tarot cards first thing in the morning, do my daily yoga routine & pack up my van & continue to head west toward Utah.

I reserved a site on the app HipCamp for what looks like this nice place in the middle of Zion National park. I’m excited for the day, I’ve got my music & my snacks & my cannabis & once again it’s a brand new day, a chance to begin anew. I’m driving through so many scenic places, stopping along the way to explore & take pictures. But it’s getting hot, I mean I am in the desert at this point. Remind you, my van is a 77, the AC was subpar at best. The poor old thing couldn’t keep up with the sweltering heat & the steep inclines. So we trucked along, air blasting & windows down, never going above 65 mph. It’s been a long drive & a long day & I think I’m almost there so I stop at a gas station to fuel up & get some food for the night. I check my phone & received an email from the campsite host who sends me directions different from what I had put in earlier that morning. So I thought I was only about 30 min away & now I had another 90minutes of driving. Which isn’t that bad, I know, but at this point I was ready to park it & rest.

But when I say, God had better plans for me, He did not disappoint. It’s nearing sunset & I want to make it to my spot before dark because I don’t like driving in the dark in unfamiliar places & my lights were… dim. Lol. The new route I had to take led me right through Zion National Park at sunset. It was absolutely stunning & such a delightful treat. Golden hour at its finest & I was witnessing it in real time. Watching the glow of the sun hit the rust colored clefts & the shadows casting just right to give the scenery depth & dimension. It was an otherworldly experience. Seeing God’s Creation up close like this felt personal. I felt like something (at that time I believed in the universe as my guide) had intentionally put me here, in this specific place, at this specific time. It felt too organized to be at random. It was picture perfect. I never would have experienced that, & saw the views I did, had I taken a traditional, preplanned route. It goes to show how much beauty we can experience when we let go of control & let God lead our lives. I was driving the van, but He was driving my life.

I didn’t quite make it to my campsite before dark & I was driving in the night through unmarked roads covered in copper dirt, living on a prayer that I would find it. I did make it, & it was an open field in the middle of nowhere. There were other people set up there, the sky was pitch black & the stars were brighter than ever. I slept soundly that night, surrounded by the sounds of nature in a desolate field atop the boulders of Utah. The view when I woke up the next morning was gorgeous. I packed up & ventured out, but there was one little problem… I didn’t have internet, which meant no GPS. I decided I was just going to go back where I came in at, which was like a 30 min drive, & go intuitively from there.

I chose to adventure through Zion National park before it turned into private property. I was staying on a reservation, the piece of land was owned by a family. So, as I’m driving through the park, cruising with the windows down. I’m taking my time, enjoying the beautiful views, soaking it all in, having “pinch me” moments & then I realize I’ve been driving for over an hour & I still don’t have service & I still don’t know where I am, but it’s pretty, lol. I start to get worried, & see some cars pass by, mind you, I’m on a unmarked gravel road on private property. So I eventually wave a truck down to ask for directions & it’s these two young men. They gave me directions & said I was pretty close to the nearest town, just about 12 miles they said. I thanked them & kept moving forward. It’s been over 2 hours at this point & im ready to just turn around but I know I’ve already come this far so I might as well keep going. The men seemed friendly, but my mind turned them into monsters that tried to convince me that they lied to me & told me to go the wrong way so they could come & find me a rape & kill me. No joke, this was the narrative I had the whole time.

So, at this point, after driving for what I thought “felt” like 12 more miles, I stop my van, pee in a bucket, throw it out & keep moving forward. I had a thought come to mind, hey why don’t you try to make a call to see if you can get service. So I call my brother & it goes through & he answers & he’s at work & I tell him I’m lost in the middle of nowhere lol, but now I know that my GPS will work if the call went through, so I hang up & search for the nearest gas station & im only 16 minutes away from civilization.

My shoulders drop, my jaw unclenches, my joy returns, my breath regulates to a steady inhale & exhale. I drive a little slower, I stop & admire the views, I’m wonderstruck once again by the beauty & the immensity of the earth. It’s all so big & I’m so small. When I look back I see that this trip was a reminder of humility. I felt like an ant. I felt like this tiny creature just roaming the country side, trying to find meaning & purpose to this life of mine. I still don’t know if I’ve found it, or if I ever will, but one thing is for sure, it changed me in ways I never could have done by my own will.

I still had a long drive ahead of me, that fear riddled experience in the thick of the Utah mountain range was just my morning. Now I am making my way towards Nevada. It’s a hot long drive. But I find beauty in it, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I stop & cool down with some ice cream in the air conditioned Dairy Queen. I stay grateful for the opportunity to even be able to do this, to have the time & resources & ambition. I made it to Las Vegas & decided I was going to stay in an air conditioned hotel room that night because I was exhausted from the fear that took place earlier in the day & from the desert heat. I got some rest & was headed to my main destination, San Clemente California.

I was meeting with a friend there & it gave me the perfect opportunity to visit California. It’s June 4th, the day before my birthday & as I’m 2 hours out from my destination I can smell the ocean, I can smell the salt water, I can feel the respite o my skin from the air blowing off the cost. I had a moment where I thought about settlers that had been walking & walking through the desert in search of water to cool them & to hydrate their mind & bodies. How excited they would have been to know how close they were to their need. I felt so grateful to have a vehicle, to have the convenience of hoping in my car & going wherever I wanted. When I left, just a week prior, that’s what I was seeking, freedom. What I didn’t know at the time was that source of freedom I was longing for was fleeting.

I made it to San Clemente by nightfall, the cutest little costal town in Southern California. All the local campgrounds were full & I didn’t want to park on the street & be woken up in the middle of the night, telling me I had to move. So I splurged again & got a hotel room for one night. It was a birthday gift to myself. I got up the next morning & booked a massage & walked around at some shops in town. I went to a dispensary & got myself a couple of blunts & headed to the grocery store to get myself a birthday cake, champagne & snacks for the beach, where I sat & watched the sunset. It was unlike any birthday I had before. The ocean air & the sun sinking into the water, was medicinal. The only difference was, I was completely alone this year. Yet, I knew that if I would have stayed at home, I would have been surrounded by people, yet still felt lonely & that’s an even worse feeling than actually being alone.

That’s why I made the decision to leave one year ago, so that I could learn to love being on my own, so that I could fill this aching void in my heart that I had felt since I was a child. I ended up parking & sleeping on the street that night. I still felt that pang of loneliness, but at the same time I felt this sense of accomplishment & excitement for making it there, for continuing to move forward despite all the challenges along the way. I didn’t give up. Every day I got up. Every day I took another step further past my mental & emotional capacity. One week felt like a whole year.

How is it possible that I’m sitting here now, one year later, in a place I had always dreamed of living, writing this story? It seems like 5 years ago that I left home. Because I’ve had so many different experiences in such a short amount of time & all these unexpected moments lead me to here, right now.

I was in California for about a week & 1/2 when my van broke down & I had to send it to the scrap yard. It was tragic, one because I had spent so much money purchasing it & on the gas, & two, because it was my home & now I was homeless, but on the bright side it took me where I needed to go, to continue moving forward. I let go of my van very easily & knew my next move. I was going to Costa Rica.

Luckily I had a friend I met via Social Media living close to where my van had called it quits & I was able to stay with her for a few days. I feel so fortunate to have known someone in the area, otherwise I would have been a little more stressed. I had to send some of my things back home & donate the rest. I packed up my bags & booked a flight & Airbnb in the jungle of Costa Rica. I had no idea what I was getting into, but I was going for it. Winging it was my motto for this entire trip. I didn’t know where it was taking me, but I let it take me.

I had so many obstacles occur before the flight that I was feeling a little discouraged, but also determined. I didn’t know that you needed traveler’s insurance & a QR code before getting on the plane, so I was rushing to get that completed before final boarding. At the last second it went through. Thank you, Lord. I slept for most of the red eye & arrived at the Liberia airport at 7am. I got a taxi to my Airbnb that was about an hour & half away. We were on rural, dirt roads & my taxi driver was stoping people along the way asking them where to go because he didn’t know where he was going. That was terrifying. Thankfully I was able to connect to the host & he was able to give us directions & I arrived safely.

I get there & I’m taking in my surroundings, I am feeling very unsure about this move. We get to the location & when I say it was in the middle of the jungle, it was at the dead end of a dirt road that led back into a secluded house, where I was greeted by the man who owned the Airbnb. He invites me into his house & by this point I’m exhausted & ready to relax. So I go inside & his wife offers me some water & food. I speak absolutely no Spanish, & she speaks some English, but not very well. I feel very uncomfortable. He takes me down the hill to the house behind his, where I’ll be staying. It has no locks on the doors, it’s dirty, there’s no hot water, no air conditioning, everything is outdated & at first glance I’m like okay I can manage, but as night falls, the fear sets in & the loneliness paralyzes me. I feel so unsafe. I have to sleep with my laptop on, sucking my thumb & I wake up at every sound I hear.

The next morning I reach out to Airbnb to ask if I can get my money back & find a new place to stay because I feel unsafe. I’m completely isolated & I’m miles away from civilization. But they deny my request & I’m basically stuck there for 30 days. Of course, I make the best of it. But it definitely challenged me mentally, emotionally & physically. I’m still doing my daily yoga, meditation & tarot cards at this point. I’ve got my ancestors (demons) with me & I sage the entire house to make me feel safer LOL. There is one perk to this stay & that is the ocean that is a short 5 min walk from my front door. So I spend most of my days there. I watch the most beautiful sunsets. I write my weekly blog post in my hammock, reading books, lying by the sea. I loved seeing monkeys in their natural habitat, living their best lives, wild & free, not caged in a prison for people to pay & see. It turns out being a wonderful experience that I’ll never forget & even sometimes miss.

One week in & I have to go into town to get some groceries. It’s a 60 minute walk down rural gravel roads to the store one way. So I decide I’m going to jog there so I can get there quicker & just incase someone wants to kidnap & murder me I can run. As I’m jogging I see a woman & child, who look American, sitting at a table outside a cafe, so I stop in my tracks, in the middle of my run to sit down & get a smoothie. I end up talking to the woman & her daughter & I instantly feel a shift taking place. I remember thinking, I can do this. From that day forward I had an enriching experience. I made sure to get up every day & make it a good day. I ended up meeting another couple while I was in town looking at the shops & we got to talking & exchanged information. As I was walking on a desolate beach one day, feeling lonely & sad I decided to ask her if she wanted to meet up. We connect & I go to dinner with her & her husband at this cute place on the beach & we have great conversation & I eat pizza & drink wine. They invited me to go on a hike with them the next day, so I said yes, of course & got to have an amazing experience, hiking through the wilderness & to a waterfall, where I swam in the water & climbed the rocks & just thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I remember feeling a closeness to something bigger than me in these moments I was having, like once again, they were all specifically organized. That even though the whole trip was basically unplanned, it actually wasn’t. It felt like it was predestined. I feel like that’s why I always had this underlying feeling, beneath the fear & loneliness, that everything was going to work out for me. I just knew deep within that this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. Even though none of it has been perfect & a lot of it was challenging, it was still all as it was meant to be. It felt like I could never go “off track” because there was a higher force guiding my every step.

I remember thinking at the begging of my stay in Costa Rica that I was never going to make it 30 days. But those 30 days flew by & before I knew it, my time in that jungle notso~oasis~ was coming to an end. I felt a sense of sadness for it ending. When I took the time to reflect on my stay, I found that I received from it so much more than I had spent on it. It wasn’t glamours, but it also wasn’t cheap. & I could have been upset over how much I had spent on it monetarily, but instead I chose to focus on the spiritual gain that I got in return. There were so many times when I was brought to a state of surrender in that middle of nowhere Airbnb. It was moments when I was terribly lonely & extremely frightened that I was brought into closer connection with God.

He was there with me the whole time. He was guiding me & watching over me & supporting me & comforting me. I just wasn’t giving him credit at the time. I see that this time spent in complete & utter isolation brought me to a place where I was forced to humble myself & give it to God. My pain, my uncertainty, my fear, my grief, my abandonment, my identity, my life. All this time I was getting an opportunity to know God.

I left Costa Rica in mid July & started a new adventure through an app called Worldpackers, where I found a work exchange in Sacramento California. It was with a family, where I worked on their homestead & helped with their chickens, garden, house work, DIYs & landscape projects. It gave me the opportunity to feel safe & secure. It was a gated house in a nice neighborhood. The contrast from the rural Costa Rican bungalow to the historic manor was quite the shift. The first thing I did when I arrived after midnight was take a hot shower. (I didn’t have hot water for 30 days)

I spent my mornings working, & my evenings hanging out, doing yoga by the pool, chilling in the hammock or just relaxing in my room. I felt comfortable there. I met new people that were also doing a work exchange from other countries & I got to feel a sense of security that I hadn’t felt in my van or in Costa Rica. I spent 2 1/2 months there before I was off to another Worldpackers work exchange. This time I was headed to Maine, a state I hadn’t been to yet & I was excited to work at a beautiful bed & breakfast on the coast.

I took another red eye to Boston where I road a bus to Portland Maine & then a cab ride to Boothbay Harbor. It’s the cutest little, quaint, costal town you’ve ever seen. When I arrived I couldn’t believe the views from where I was staying. They were stunning & such a picturesque scene that could be right out of a romance novel or a hallmark movie. It was like living in a postcard. I got to meet even more people & talk to guests from all over the country. I spent my mornings working & my afternoons & evening reading outside, walking around town, chilling in my room or socializing with the other staff members. The owners were so amazing & let me stay after they closed in October to help shut down & clean up. They were so kind to let me stay in beautiful room that had ocean views. But once again I was in this beautiful place, with all this empty space around me & the loneliness crept in like a long lost friend reminding me of my inadequacy.

Every place I continued to stay I felt safer & safer. I felt so safe in this small tourist town in Maine. I had a moment around Halloween when the fear was getting the best of me & I had this thought; have you ever felt like something was such a treat that it felt like a trick? That’s how I felt. I felt like I was staying in the nicest place I had ever been, & at the same time I felt like it wasn’t real. It felt like I was making it up or that it was all a dream. Or someone was going to say, did you really think we were going to let you stay here? It truly felt surreal, the gratitude & the fear brought me to tears. I felt so fortunate & so blessed to be able to have such an amazing experience.

It was in that hilltop room overlooking the harbor where I saw Jesus Christ for the first time, sitting in my room, watching over me while I cried myself to sleep. It was in late November when I started to feel the convictions of my new age lifestyle. I was led to new information that completely shifted my beliefs in a matter of days & it was in that peaceful space that I began to let down my guard & allow Jesus to soften my heart. It didn’t happen all at once, but I’ll never forget the battle for my soul as He sat ever so gently in my room that night & consoled me as I wept with deep regret & sorrow over my past.

Topside Inn, shuts down for the winter in Maine, so I was off on a new adventure, flying south for the winter & this one I was super excited for, because it was in a place I had always wanted to live. Charleston South Carolina. I had never been to a hostel, let alone lived in one or worked at one, but I was excited to see where it would take me.

I arrived in Charleston on the evening of December 1st, about six months after I left Iowa. It’s here, in the Holy City that I was saved by Jesus Christ. It’s funny to see how fast & intensely He worked through me & on me in the 6 months since I left home. I see now it was Him putting me in all these difficult circumstances to bring me back to Him. As you now know I was deep in the New Age Occult & was being triggered by other new agers being saved since early September. But I wasn’t quite ready to give it up because I had built my entire identity around it. But it all came crashing down around me as I arrived here in Charleston.

I had visited Charleston a few years back on vacation with my aunt & I remember loving it! I was in such a different time in my life then, but I went back home & started looking at jobs to apply at in & around the city. That was 2017 & nothing ever transpired from it. But I still had the desire to move there one day. Later on in 2019 I was looking at apartments for rent in the area, but once again it just wasn’t the right time. Flash forward to the end of 2021 & im spending the New Year in the place I’ve always dreamed of living one day. Sure, it doesn’t look like what I had in mind. In fact it’s turned out even better than I could have ever imagine with my own mind.

Here we are, 6 months later & im still here, still loving it & still incredibly grateful. The most spectacular part is that I’ve never been closer to Jesus Christ. I’ve never felt safer in my entire life. I’m surrounded by kind, genuine women & I am meeting so many wonderful people from all over the world. I’m feeling humbled, yet more sure of myself than ever before. Maybe less sure of myself & more sure of God. I’ve watched Him provide for me in so many miraculous & beautiful ways & I know for certain that if it wasn’t for Him, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually. I’ve renounced all my New Age ways & im living to serve my Lord & Savior. I’m sharing my testimony with so many people. I’ve been redeemed, resurrected from spiritual death. Born again in the Holy Spirit. Sanctified by the Holy Bible & alive, truly alive for the first time in my life. & I know this is the freedom I’ve always sought.

My life still isn’t perfect, & it never will be. But that fear & that panic & that void & that loneliness that I felt when I left & while I was on the road has been replaced with faith bigger than words, with peace beyond measure, with fullness overflowing & with intimacy & connection that is abundant. This trip wasn’t just a physical adventure, more than anything it was a spiritual sojourn that lead me deeper into my faith, that destroyed my identity & rebuilt it on the foundation of everlasting love & life. I’m not the same person that left Iowa one year ago today. When I left home, I was lost, I was an orphan in search of a home & today I am a child of God who will never be forsaken, who has found her forever home in Jesus Christ.

It’s been one hell ;) of a ride, but it’s the greatest birthday gift I could have ever received. I’m so excited to spend the rest of this year with my Father. To feel His presence in every part of my life. To feel His Spirit touch me in a way I’ve never been touched before. To feel His Love fill up every empty crevice of my being & bind up my brokenness, fulfilling every desire of my heart.

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” John‬ ‭14:18‬