How I Lost My Mind & Created A New One

I am having a lot of childhood/teenage memories that are resurfacing from the past to show me where I am still keeping myself small and hidden away. I am realizing that I am doing this because I fear what my family, friends and spiritual partner may think of me. I find myself worrying that they may reject me because my beliefs are so very different. I’ve been noticing where I shame and hide different parts of me. But it is also helping me to see it so that I can give those aspects of myself my own love. I am truly reparenting myself on another level and it feels much easier this time. I am finding myself having aha moments.

As I was sweeping the floor yesterday I felt sexy, and not in a seducing way, but just in a way that I felt good in my body and I loved that very moment that I was in. I recently was guided to a book; Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza, I highly recommend, especially if you’re into a very soft and understanding, but practical approach to Law of Attraction and Quantum Theory, and if you’re interested at all in the brain and emotions. Wow, I cannot get over his work and the way he is changing the world with his words, his beliefs and most of all his actions.

This book changed my life and confirmed everything I have been practicing and doing the last couple of years, blind and “alone”. When I learned from this book that it is possible to transform your genes through changing your thoughts I knew that what I had been doing by healing emotionally, subconsciously and energetically was upgrading my DNA. (Check out my blog post Transforming DNA) It wasn’t until I read this book that I felt a sense of relief, that what was happening to me was legit and I wasn’t crazy for receiving the information and guidance through my body. I honestly found myself wishing I had found the book sooner, but I can guarantee that I wouldn’t have been ready for it or understood it any sooner than now. I love how the Universe works in that way. As I was reading to myself, but in order for me to absorb the information I must read it aloud to myself. I always thought this made me odd, but I can get really into a book when reading it aloud to myself and it helps the information “stick”. For me when I am attaining knowledge, whatever the subject might be, I have to find the “right” frequency to tap into to be able to comprehend what I am learning. As I am in this frequency I am also able to tap into the akashic records and access some of the consciousness of “masters”, saints, scientists, humanitarians, activists, politicians, psychologists, physicist, artists, musicians -- any person or creator in history that has ever used their voices and expressed themselves creatively. It all lives in the ether and we all have access to it, if we can open up our minds.

For me to understand this book I had to tap into the energy of Dr. Joe Dispenza, this is why I love books or any other form of art; because you can FEEL the person writing it, speaking to you. That is what my guides keep reiterating to me; that our energy is what speaks for us. This book lead me to a passage that I want to share, it made my jaw drop and I said out loud; THANK YOU SPIRIT, a sign so clear that I could awaken deeper to my subconscious fears.

“On the other hand, what happens if we begin to anticipate some unwanted future experience, or even obsess about a worst case scenario, based on a memory from our past? We are still programming the body to experience a future event before it occurs. Now the body is no longer in the moment or in the past; it is living in the future--but a future based on some construct of the past.

When this occurs, the body does not know the difference between the actual event transpiring in reality and what we are entertaining mentally. Because we are priming it to be juiced up for whatever we think might be coming, the body begins to get ready. And in a very real way, the body is in the event.” (Chapter Four: Overcoming Time Pg. 91).

Photos: Allison Carfizzi @Carfizzi_Tribe on Instagram

I have been dealing with a rash and inflammation on my body recently, it triggered old wounds from my early years, a time when I felt I couldn’t let myself be seen, times when I felt outcast and different, ridiculed and scared. I remembered getting the same sort of rash as a child and I was able to go back to that girl and treat her differently. I’ve had to see where in letting myself hold back what I am feeling and thinking I was holding myself prisoner, trapping myself in my body. I could see it clearly in my mind, but I couldn’t understand why my body was reacting in the way it was. I had to go deeper and catch those unconscious thoughts so they weren’t “running the show” and keeping me stuck in an endless loop. This passage helped me to see where I still felt those wounds as if they were happening all over again. I would feel them and then I would think about them. If I thought about them obsessively they began to affect my behavior. I had to slow down and sit with my body, love my body and nurture my body so that I wasn’t creating fragmentation and abandoning myself.

In our society children grow up hating parts of their bodies and this causes us to disassociate from parts of ourselves. We don’t like certain things about ourselves so we shame them. We begin to walk around wanting to hide parts of us because we believe they’re unworthy or that we might be rejected. This can stop us from being emotionally available, from being confident, vulnerable and intimate. Not just with romantic partners, but also in friendships and with family members. These “little” incidents where we were made fun of because of our bodies; weight, hair, our clothes, money, home, our teeth, nose, waist, thighs, whatever it is for you--it is still affecting us and our beliefs about ourselves, whether we want to admit it or not. And what we don’t realize is we memorize the emotions (also learned from this book. Pg 86) from those events. When we notice ourselves feeling insecure about our thighs, that past wound whether we are conscious and aware of it or not is triggered and then we may hear a thought that says; cover up, don’t smile, don’t eat. Whatever the case may be, we then allow the past to dictate our future, we hold ourselves back and emotionally hostage. Our bodies are still living in the past.

This helped me come to the realization that I do not have to abandon parts of me just because they aren’t “pretty”. That even when I am doing the dishes, going for a walk, sitting on the edge of the bed, rolls, stretch marks, cellulite and all that I am whole and worthy. That I do not have to change in order to be accepted. I could understand why I was having these memories resurface and what the emotions they were bringing with them were teaching me about myself. I get angry because I wish I could go back and stand up for myself, I wish I could have confidence when I met my spiritual partner, I wish I was taught how to love myself, take care of my emotions, my mind and my energy. And not allow others opinions of me to stop me from being me, seeing my beauty and my value. Then I become extremely grateful for the experience because without the contrast of the experience I would have never learned what I needed to learn in order to become who I am. I had to see the opposite of myself in order to see my wholeness and not shame it.

As I thought back to these times I also discovered how I allowed my family members to drain my energy. They do this unconsciously of course, it was learned behavior. I grew up with anxious, angry and depressed parents. My brother and I are highly vivacious and energetic souls, we are naturally light hearted, powerful and free, but when we incarnated into this blood line we knew on a soul level that it would be very heavy, the energy would be dense so we would have a hard time staying close to our souls, the “outside” would feel more “real” and be more tempting than the inside. This is where we learned to abandon our natural state. In order to receive love from our parents we learned to be angry, worry and be sad. We learned to lower our vibration in order to receive love and validation. This brought us out of our natural frequency and we became dependent on receiving that constant validation from others and the stimulation of constant stress. Stress and codependency then became habitual and natural to us, we believed that it was “normal”. It wasn’t until I began to awaken spiritually that I recognized this behavior in myself and the people around me. I was blinded by my own delusions created in early childhood. Ages 0-7 is when the ego is being formed. Whatever is absorbed from the environment physically, psychologically, verbally, energetically and emotionally will be the blueprint for the child's future.

I have become more aware of this wound and I have been working diligently to allow myself to relax and feel joy, happiness, flirtation, excitement for extended amounts of time. But I still feel myself holding back with the people I am around because they are angry, anxious and depressed. And honestly it is easier to be angry, sad and depressed because that is what I learned. I used to attract others from this energy, because that is the energy I learned to carry. Sometimes I catch myself fearing I will attract others like that, but I have to remind myself that as long as I am not in that energy I won’t attract it. That is what helps me stay in alignment with joy, success, happiness and fulfillment because I know that if I can believe and feel it, that I can create it and receive it.

Learning to embody and carry an energy that has been withheld from my body has been ramping my anxiety up to a whole new level. Feelings such as passion, desire, wanting to express my sexuality and sensuality without shame and judgement stemming from the past and my self hatred. I am doing great at keeping the thoughts at bay and when they arise, having compassion and forgiveness for myself and detaching from my body and environment. In that state I enter what Dr. Joe calls the Quantum Field, there is where I am no-body and no-thing, just consciousness vibrating at a certain frequency. Some days it takes all I’ve got to be in that state and just sit with myself in order to tame my ego. To keep those thoughts from creating a feeling from the past so that I don’t spiral out of control. Rewiring your mind is not an easy task, it requires dedication, will power and commitment. Another habitual pattern I am breaking is; distracting myself through “work”. Many of us believe that we are doing ourselves a great service by working overtime. I am not against working, but I think there is a fine line between working in order to create an income and working in order to avoid your life. Before you know it your life will be over, why avoid it? Probably because we don’t want to deal with the emotions we are feeling.

As I was sweeping the floor I heard my beloved tell me how beautiful and sexy I was, I always think to myself when I hear that; “I am not trying to be”. I think that is the whole point. That our lives are mostly going to be filled with the mundane tasks. And in those moments is when it’s the most important to retreat, to be present and enjoy the moment, no matter how celebratory a moment shared together is or not. Every moment is an opportunity to find harmony and peace. Relationships spent together in the mundane moments, when we can be intimate and joyful for no reason other than to be alive and in this very moment are the emotions that I want to memorize. I want to use those moments as a blueprint for a new life.

I love that science proves that we have the capability to create a new life and a new personality by upgrading our minds. As difficult as it has been to dismantle and reinvent myself I have found a sense of freedom and love that I cannot describe. All I can do is live it and lead by example. My transformation has been so much more than losing half my body size it has been about upgrading my mind. I had to see my life from another perspective in order to forgive myself and others. I had to come out of survival mode and victim consciousness. I had to see each part of my life as a lesson and thank God for it. I learned; how to lose my mind and create a new one.

Thank you for reading!

Love & blessings, Ashley <3