Healing The Father Wound (How my fathers cancer diagnosis catapulted me into spiritual growth)

Do you have one of those moments where it definitively changes the direction and course of your life, a complete three sixty that shifted your perspective on everything you’ve come to know? For me; that happened five years ago. On January 17 2015 I found out that my father had been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, with only one year to live with chemo treatment. Today I am going to be sharing a personal journal entry from my Self in a very different state than I am today. Without this life altering event I may have never found myself or my purpose, and so five years later, I am filled with gratitude for this “catastrophic event” that changed everything for me.

Jan. 20th. 15

Day 3

It’s been 3 days now that I found out that my dad has stage 4 lung cancer. I still can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel real. I just keep thinking that this can’t be really happening to my life? I feel like I’ve been walking around in a daze.

I’ve always had the fear of my dad dying and when I used to think about it I always thought that it would be impossible for me to go on with life, that my world would just stop. Now that it’s actually happening I realize that life keeps moving. Time doesn’t get to stop. It’s amazing how you continue to live, how you still go on every day. When I used to think that I wouldn’t be able to go on. That my world would just crumble.

I do feel sad. And I do break down. It’s hard not to fall apart. Trying to keep it all together is the hardest. I know that I have to be strong, but COME ON! My Dad is dying! IT SUCKS! There is no other words it just plain sucks!

Something that is unimaginable is saying the words “my dad is dying” out loud. Nobody ever wants to have to say those words. If you were to say “my dad is dying” and he actually wasn’t, if it were just a sentence you were to read out of a book it’s just the 4 simple words. My Dad Is Dying. But saying it when it’s actually happening is a whole nother thing. The 4 simple words become 5 million thoughts.They change your whole entire world. They then become the 4 hardest words you’ll probably ever say.

When I found out on Saturday (1/17/15) I lost it. Even though I knew it was coming, to hear it out loud was heartbreaking. I didn’t think or know it was going to be that bad/so far along. I try not to flashback to that moment, because it’s probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt. My heart hurt so bad. I couldn’t breathe and I just wanted to fall apart and never get back up.

I am completely overwhelmed by everything. I have 12 billion thoughts running through my mind every second of every day. I never knew, well I thought I knew, but I didn’t know what being in shock felt like. I am pretty sure I am still in shock. It’s like feeling every single emotion all at once, but not being able to actually feel anything at all. You’re just numb. I wonder if I'll always feel this way. If maybe one day I'll actually believe it. If it’ll ever feel real.

This was taken at my fathers cancer benefit in March 2015

And, so began the greatest transformation of my life. At the time of all of this transpiring I had no idea where my life was headed. The trajectory and plan I had for my life had derailed. I had no other choice but to begin to move in a new direction. I had no idea where to begin. At first it was so much easier and more familiar to feel like a victim, to feel like; WHY is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? That attitude, though I didn’t know it at the time was what lead me to a “health crisis”, I didn’t consider it at that time as one, but looking back I see that if it weren't for that type 2 diabetes diagnosis that I received later that year, that I may have never dug myself out of the trenches I found myself in. At that time I had no idea that something greater than me was pushing me to the point of surrender. My father's diagnosis and then my own kicked me into another gear that I couldn’t logically explain at the time, all I knew was that I needed to make some changes in my life and that if I didn’t the results would not be in my favor.

My health soon became my number one priority. It felt like it was the only thing I had any control over. I couldn’t stop the cancer, I couldn’t take away this pain and suffering for my father. I had been carrying his pain and suffering for a majority of my life and this I could not take on for him. To sit back and watch this happen to him often left me feeling powerless, frustrated, sad and angry. With my upbringing and the way society teaches us to deal with our emotions the things I was experiencing and feeling were not “acceptable”. I had been taught to sweep these difficult and unpleasant emotions under the rug.

I could only stand the resisting of my emotions for so long until I began to feel completely overwhelmed, both emotionally and mentally by them. They were controlling my life and keeping me stuck in a pattern of pain, suffering, victim consciousness and addiction. I learned to eat my feelings at a very young age. It is how I was taught to cope. With the way I was feeling as an adult, I knew that I had to find new ways to handle the amount of grief I was experiencing. I had to find healthier ways to cope.

This one was taken in summer of 2018 at one of our favorite restaurants; Bluff Lake, our father has taken us here since we were children! :)

I am grateful for cancer now, because I see that without it I never would have found a new way of being, it sent me on a journey of self discovery. I had to find a way of living that worked for me, a way that gave me some kind of relief from the internal chaos I was dealing with. I was fighting a battle against my own mind and emotions. I was constantly judging myself for being a human and experiencing the ups and downs that come with grieving. I did not have a healthy support system. The people closest to me were also dealing with their own emotions and experiences and were unable to be a safe place for me to go and find solace. They created even more tension, conflict and resistance to my experience.

I so badly wanted to be held and told that everything was going to be alright, but that was not the reactions I received, instead it was guilt trips and aggression that I was getting in return. For a long time I felt that what was happening to me was so unfair, that I deserved to be comforted and loved in my deepest pain, but on a subconscious level I didn’t actually believe that I deserved to be supported and cared for. Because, when I experienced deep pain and heavy, intense emotions as a child I was most often neglected or shunned for such reactions to my emotions. This kept me feeling isolated in my experience of death, it became extremely uncomfortable to stay in this position of “poor me”.

As time passed I tried my hardest to do the best I could every day, but it was a challenge, it was much more familiar for me to be pessimistic and negative, it is what I learned. But my very nature goes against this, so my mind became consumed with “worse case scenarios”, fear, anxiety, paranoia and doubt. I was flooded with turmoil and it was causing a lot of unnecessary pain and illusions that kept me stuck in emotional distress.

Taking control of my mental health became my only option. I could not handle the constant angst, regret, and fear that taunted me every waking moment. After I had a panic attack in early 2017, around the date of my fathers diagnosis 2 years earlier, I was directed to guided meditations to help ease my obsessive, negative thoughts, to help me sleep and have a more positive outlook throughout the day. I began doing this, working out, practicing yoga, and changed my diet, slowly over time. I had to treat every day as if it were brand new. Rather than keep dragging the past into the present, I had to learn to be still with my emotions without attaching myself to them or judging myself for having them. I began to shift my relationship with my mind, emotions and body.

This one was taken at a family wedding in July of 2016

I consider myself a “caretaker” I love to care for others, I am naturally compassionate and empathetic, the only problem was; I would neglect myself in order to please and tend to others needs. I was always running on empty and trying to give to others, this left me feeling resentful, disappointed and unworthy. I had to find the courage to begin to put myself first, no matter how upsetting it made the people around me, I had no other choice but to learn to stand up for myself and meet my own needs, to become the caretaker that I always needed, but never received.

My father's cancer diagnosis has taught me how to stand in my power, how to let go of control, how to surrender, how to stand up for myself, how to care for myself, how to trust myself, how to take the reigns, be assertive, how to use my voice, and how to love others and myself unconditionally. I look back now over the last five years and I am amazed at my growth, at my Will, at my strength, at my discipline, at my optimism and hope for a better me, for a life that would last even after my father had passed.

Overall, the lessons my father and his soul came to teach me from this experience are invaluable, they are something I can be eternally grateful for, they are lessons that I can take with me beyond the grave, beyond this lifetime. I cherish and value all that I have learned from it, because without it I never would have reunited with God, with my own soul, my own eternity and it is in that state of awareness, that state of mind that I know without a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with my father is eternal and when it is time for him to go, that I will be okay, that I can never lose him. I only lose him when I deny the eternal aspect of my own being. Because every person that we share a heart bond with can never be broken, they live on in us forever.

This one was taken about 5 years ago, shortly after we had found out about the diagnosis.

If I do not view cancer as a gift I would be flooded with all that rage and powerlessness that comes with not being able to control it. If there is one thing that my father and I came to learn together is it was how to let go of control issues, how to place our lives in the hands of a higher power and trust that we will be taken care of, that what we’ve been through together and on our own was all part of a greater plan and purpose specifically meant to reunite our souls so that we could be together forever.

As a child, around the age of six I began to form an anxious attachment to my father. I began to project my belief of safety and stability onto him. At this age I began to have obsessive thoughts of my father leaving, getting hurt, and dying. I look back now and see how my obsessive worry is what actually supported the physical manifestation of his cancer, that my intentions were a contributing factor in the co-creation of his diagnosis. Recognizing this pattern within myself, I had to train my mind to shift my focus every time I wanted to imagine and play out in my mind the worst case scenario. I had to become aware enough that I could place my attention on something else, usually onto my faith, body, physical surroundings and breath. This brought me back to the present moment and it’s in the present moment that I am at peace, that I am in a state of acceptance that allows for me to know that what is happening is real, but it is not to punish him or I, that it is a gift that has been given to us so that we could heal and become One again, so that we could return to our eternal home, both through death and through new life.

My father's cancer has given me the gift of a new life, it has given me so much more than I could ever imagine. Where I once believed I was lacking and empty, I am now filled with riches and abundance. I am overflowing with the richness of wisdom, passion, joy, purpose, ambition, motivation, inspiration, health and love. I used to believe that when he went I would be left with nothing, but a hole in my heart that could never be replaced, but God taught me to fill that space with all the things that bring me just as much love and joy as my father once did.

One of my all time favorite photos!

My father was the first man I ever fell in love with. I remember the way he used to smile at me when I was a baby, the way he held me, admired me and cared for me. He was my favorite person in the entire world, he was my everything and I see now why I formed such an unhealthy attachment to his physical Self. I became reliant on that kind of behavior to show me love and when that stopped happening I began to believe that I was unlovable, that I was unworthy of ever receiving that kind of love and care again. “Losing” him helped me become self reliant, it taught me how to give that love and care I once received from him, to myself. All the love I wanted to give to him as a child that he never let me give, I had to pour it into myself, I had to spend all the time and effort I spent wanting to give to him, to myself.

My mom wrote on the back of this photo; Daddy & Ashley clowning around!

When our fathers are emotionally unavailable, especially as little girls, we will tend to attract men as adults that are the same. We project our father wound onto our potential mates as a way to show us what we need to heal within ourselves. I see now that I had become just as emotionally unavailable as my father, and that no matter how much anyone else ever loved me, it would never be enough if I wasn’t giving it to myself first. Our father's voice and actions become our internalized masculine and we begin to operate in the same ways that are actually keeping us from what we deeply desire, in my case that is reciprocal and a balanced exchange of energy, connection and love. So while our physical fathers love is conditional in most cases, our eternal fathers love is unlimited. When we find our source of love from something that can never be taken away from us then we no longer need to cling to what is temporary in order to evoke that feeling of love anymore, we can generate it all on our own and this is what makes us powerful beyond measure.

The most recent picture of us, taken at Thanksgiving! <3

I am happy to announce that after 5 years of chemo and perseverance my father is still alive and in good spirits! I look back at both of our growth over the last five years and I am astounded by the miracle that God has gifted us with, time to repair and mend our relationship and an abundance of love and gratitude! I may have an unpopular opinion when it comes to cancer, but if you're going through something similar, I want you to know that you're not alone and as much as it may seem like you're "losing everything" God is making room for more love and light to enter into your life. Separation is an illusion, our heart strings are unbreakable.

Below is a link to my YouTube channel where I made a video explaining The Father Wound

Thank you for reading!

Love & blessings, Ashley <3