Healing Emotional Abuse & How to Take Your Power Back

Dec. 1. 20

Today I am feeling the grief. I feel sad, angry, happy, loving, all at the same time. I literally have to schedule out time to be with my emotions, otherwise I can feel them get clogged in my sacral chakra, and then I feel pains in my Heart chakra and sometimes I will flat out ignore my feelings. It’s like sometimes I don’t want to deal with them. Mostly because they don’t “feel” that great, mostly it’s the thoughts that accompany them that aren’t that pleasant and then I get anxiety and want to eat everything in sight in order to create pleasure.

I see the pattern clear as day and I understand its purpose and I choose to release it and so it is. I can see that this pattern has helped me survive and adapt emotionally to a very insensitive home and environment. I am grateful for my brain's capability to protect me when I couldn’t protect myself, mostly energetically. And now, I can and I am. Everyday I can be a Sensitive and live in this insensitive World, because I am living from the “inside out”, from my Spirit, rather than from my mind and body.

I am seeing so clearly my ability to transced and integrate limitations created in my mind, while in survival, and rise above my conditioned Self and step more fully into my Conscious Self, which is genderless, ageless, formless. It’s making me feel safe, which is creating so much stability for me, which is making me feel so secure, from the inside out, and it’s building my “God Confidence”. Truly, it is teaching me how to have faith in my Self, how to Trust my Self again, so that I can make decisions based from love and not from pain or fear or conditioning.

I want to live in alignment with Love. I want to know Love intimately within myself. It is when I am One with Love, that I feel at Home, so at peace, so loved, so cared for, so supported and infinitely supplied. I feel so fucking healthy and strong and powerful and free. I feel like my mind is so sharp and clear. For my entire life my mind has felt so foggy, so cloudy, and for maybe the first time since early childhood, I am feeling so clear, so connected and so intune.

It feels delightful to be in this energy, to literally not “worry” for “sport” anymore and to actually use the brilliance of my mind. At an early age I was taught to not think for myself, to not form my own beliefs about my Self or the World. I felt like a fucking caged bird. It feels like my whole life I was meant to fly, but I kept myself bound and trapped, because I was taught to limit my Self, to place my Self into a neat, sweet, pretty little packaging and be a “good” little girl.

I remember feeling so limited and smothered as a child, I had to behave in a certain way, that wasn’t True to me, otherwise my parents would most likely withdraw their love or punish me or neglect me. So, I learned how to please them, to do whatever they asked no matter what. I became like their “robot child”, honestly, I am great at taking direction, I can easily slip into a role of being told what to do, it’s easier than having to think for yourself. I let myself be bossed around, because if I dare “talk back”, say No, or disagree, I might just lose their love and nothing, I mean NOTHING feels more isolating than being disliked by your own flesh and blood.

To feel the rejection of your parents is to feel betrayal for the first time. This wound kept me so scared to open up intimately with another person. I definitely would have betrayed my Self for love, had I not learned these lessons and I am forever grateful. I hold no blame or anger at my parents anymore. I let them go. I know they were never trying to hurt me, but they did and I choose to forgive them and forgive myself. I am so proud of where I am today and all I’ve gotten through to get to this moment right now. Sure, my heart is breaking and the memories resurfacing are challenging to move through, but I am finding pleasure through it all. I am truly seeing the beauty and the purpose in it all and it’s bringing me so much hope and comfort.

I can feel Archangel Raph so close to me right now and Michael, and Gabriel and Chamuel and Metatron and Ariel and Uriel. They are ALL with me and I am forever grateful for their assistance. I feel their energetic protection and it is absolutely glorious! I love feeling them with me, they’re helping me heal my abandonment wound.

I used to feel so alone in childhood, so isolated and rejected. When I go back to that time I try to just hold myself and remind my Inner Child Self that “You will get past this and live a beautifully connected and love filled life.” She feels so trapped. Like she’s being held against her will. This may stem from past lives as well, but it feels more like being held emotionally hostage. I just remember feeling humiliated, embarrassed, betrayed, heartbroken, rejected and alone.

Emotional Abuse is challenging for me to speak about because so much guilt arises for even having the experience, but I know that’s the whole purpose and reason people emotionally abuse their children, because they personally have a lot of guilt and the only way to relieve themselves of it, is to project it onto another. This is why children are a great target, because their young minds can be easily manipulated to believe lies about themselves.

When we are young we believe what our parents tell us about who we are. Over time that becomes out identity and we’re no longer viewing our Self from the inside out, from the Spirit, but from the outside in, from our parents and environment. When your Self Perception becomes distorted through emotional {psychological} abuse, it wears on your Self Esteem. You’re identifying with the views of you that aren’t actually true, they are another person's perception of you. And others' perception of you is only seen through their own internalized projections and judgements. Their perception of you is essentially a judgement or perception they have about themselves.

If they don’t “like” those judgements they have of you, it’s because they’re judging it within themselves, but projecting it onto you, because it’s easier to off put their unwanted emotions onto others and make them feel “bad” or “guilty”, or “ashamed” or “unworthy”, than it is for them to sit with the discomfort of their own internalized shame.

Shaming others is how psychological abusers make themselves feel “good”. It is the only way they know how to feel pleasure. It sounds sick and twisted, but the Truth is; this is happening all the time. Emotional Abuse is so insidious and it can be hard to detect, because of the manipulation of the Abuser’s emotions. Psychological Abusers can easily “fake” their emotions in order to get what they want, in fact this is how they learned to behave in early childhood in order to get their needs met.

If they’re feeling “bad”, they’re going to find a way to make someone else feel worse than they do. This gives them a sense of control. Their only way to feel powerful is to put someone “below” them. This gratifies their ego and because they manipulate their emotions they don’t even have to feel remorse for their actions. In their mind, which has been manipulated from someone emotionally abusing them, they begin to believe that their actions, of shaming, are justifiable. That their actions of deliberately putting someone else down is a form of behavior that has been passed down.

Psychological abuse is happening in the homes and in the minds of young children everywhere, by emotionally abusive and narcissistic parents. This is also happening societally. We’ve been manipulated and controlled by our Government for a very long time. Lie after Lie, after Lie being told by our Ancestors, trying to make the past seem and sound better than it truly was. Manipulating us to believe that their actions were justifiable, that waging wars, massacring humans and animals, abusing women and children is justifiable. So much deliberate shaming, pain and violence. So much intentional trauma that would leave the collective psyche fractured.

Our foundation societally is built upon unstable ground {emotionally}. Our foundation, built upon so many fractures that are jagged and sharp and are creating more of that shame, that pain and that violence. Violence is not just physical, it is emotional and our emotions have been used against us like a weapon of complete Self Destruction. Deliberately shaming men, women and children for their emotions is psychological abuse.

Our Society is Emotionally Abusive and then we wonder why we have more school shootings than any other country in the World… Our lack of genuine empathy is the weapon. Because without our emotions we will Self Destruct and when we self destruct, we will destroy each other. Our Self Hatred has been the weapon the whole time. Our rejection of our emotions, the shaming of our emotions, the neglect of or emotions have been the “ammo” the entire time. Our words and actions to one another are like the bullets.

When we intentionally hurt another, whether it be physically or emotionally, we are hurting a part of our Self we’ve been taught is “bad” or “wrong” or “shameful” or “unacceptable”. So, the only people we’re hurting when we hurt another, is really just a part of us that is hurting. When we can become loving and kind and compassionate towards ourselves, when we can extend our Self grace, we will do the same for others. We won't even feel the need to hurt anyone anymore, because we are no longer hurting.

One of the only ways I could forgive my emotional abuser was by seeing them as the same innocent victim to the same psychological abuse. This gave me the ability to compassionately witness this hurting child inside this person that was hurting me as a child and I no longer took the abuse personally. Then I was able to differentiate between what was Truth about me and what was lies, B.S., manipulation and then I was able to set myself free and my abuser free.

I am truly at peace from the abuse I received from my mom growing up. I know what is Truth now and what isn’t. I am grateful for the lesson, although it’s a challenging one and still feels unfair. But I am finding balance, by standing in my Power, by knowing my worth. I know that everything is working out for me and I choose to celebrate my Self, to be proud of my Self, to Trust my Self and to Love and Care for my Self. I am deserving of all the good things coming into my life. I can relax and open up to the love and abundance that surrounds me. I am grateful for my past, for my family and for all that I have in the Now. Thank You Spirit!

I have linked a video I created from my YouTube channel, to tell more of my personal story with emotional abuse and how you can recognize these patterns within yourself.

Thank you for reading!

Love and blessings, Ashley <3