Entry Two

Friday, December 7th, 2018

When in a relationship you’re going to have to consistently CHOOSE to focus on love instead of the “problem” the “flaw” or “fault”, all those things you dislike are you meeting YOUR shadow self and instead of deflecting from the ego or root cause of the trigger you will have to choose to meet it and see it with love, this may mean that you have to vocalize your need to “walk away” or take 15 minutes to gather your emotions and thoughts before re-approaching the “problem” from a place of compassion and understanding so you can clearly and effectively communicate your need in a mature and accurate way. Practicing this will save you from arguments that are headed for a blow up. Instead of deflecting or blaming your partner, take a few minutes to reflect and discern where the emotion is actually being triggered from, this may mean that you do have to remove yourself and feel your emotions if need be, hold yourself and allow yourself to move through it with compassion. You will then be able to have compassion for your partner and be able to approach the "problem" from a different perspective. This will bring you back into alignment and it will clear the “fog” of the trigger that had essentially signaled to your brain that you are in “danger” activating the Fight or Flight part of our animalistic brain. When our wound is triggered we may tend to either pick a fight to protect our heart “deflect” or we turn our back and abandoned the situation because it’s bringing up emotional triggers and we don’t want to meet it and move through it so we then choose to “avoid”. When we avoid our “problems” or “need” it will build up and the resentment or hatred will boil until a small trigger is set off and an explosion occurs. It’s like walking through a battlefield with land mines that are hidden. In order for us to walk through safely we must trust each other. These "land mines" are the tests to our commitment to walk through this life together without abandoning or rejecting one another out of fear of hurt from the past ego wounding.

I desire to be in a committed growth induced relationship. My soul is teaching me how to coexist with a partner so that I can continue to mature spiritually in order to teach others how to grow spiritually so that they can find and create true intimate soul love and abundance. Many people expend their energies in relationships with others that are simply validating their ego, they settle for mediocre love because they prefer to stay safe or they allow themselves to be torn down because they believe they are worthless and don’t deserve a love so passionate and exploding with love and depth. A relationship should challenge you, it should make you the best possible version of yourself and that kind of commitment to another for the rest of your life can seem daunting and it becomes easier to neglect or hide from our shadow self which in returns strains the relationship. We may fear; “What if I put in the “work” and the other doesn’t?” If we don’t mutually contribute to parenting and nurturing our relationship it will become dysfunctional. If you’ve only ever known dysfunctional relationships (It Me!) then the “work” it takes to commit to a powerful connection can seem overwhelming. It’s best to start by committing to yourself. We self sabotage because with a love so intense we are always at risk of “losing” it. What if we put in all this time and effort and it doesn't work out? But what if we do? The outcome may be better than anything we've ever experienced. If we are choosing to focus on fear, especially from the past, we close our hearts off instead of choosing to believe that our love can endure all. We leave our hearts open knowing that it could be broken, but in the end the benefits trump the risk and we evolve. I would much rather leave my heart open and take a risk on something so passionate knowing that there’s potential for it to “hurt” me and still bravely and boldly choose to accept and follow it. To me; to love unconditionally is to be courageous, it takes immense strength and dedication to love another. The only way I could learn how to deeply love another without “losing” myself was to love myself just as deeply as I love him. That way if I were to be without him I know that I would be able to love myself and be “okay”. Now I know for certain that whatever does or doesn't happen I will move through it with grace and continue to rise alone, but also knowing that I am never truly alone. I essentially "win" either way. That is the goal. When we become our own competition, always trying to better ourselves for ourselves we no longer feel the need to compete with our partner or force them to change. We accept them for who they are and what they can offer because we are accepting ourselves and meeting our own needs while simultaneously allowing ourselves to give and receive love from one another. Honestly, I would prefer to evolve in a relationship, but to know that I can do it alone gives me a nice sense of accomplishment and independence. It took me a solid two years to commit to myself and do the "work" that was necessary for me to experience this level of love and commitment. We all want a relationship to last a lifetime, but we can't expect it to last if we can't commit to ourselves for a lifetime.

The love I am experiencing with my divine counterpart is like no love I’ve ever felt in this lifetime. The love can become fiery, intense and all consuming, I can easily lose myself in him. It was important for me to find myself in order to be in a healthy balanced relationship with him. I was extremely codependent, especially on another to make me feel happy because I was extremely sad within. The thing about my beloved is that he makes me extremely happy without even trying. Just to be in his presence makes me feel overloaded with joy. I could spend my days naked and wrapped around him, staring into his eyes and forget there is a world outside of him. I love that about him, I love that our love is like that, but what I had to do was find the things that bring me joy and love so that I keep my boundaries in check and meet my own needs instead of expecting him to. It has been a consistent practice and it is a challenging balancing act. But the patience, support and unconditional love I’ve received from his higher self has been encouraging and it continually teaches me where I need to be nurturing and loving myself enough, while still staying open to receive his love. In order for me to nurture and love him and our children someday I have to provide it for myself. When we can fill our own cup we can open up to receive and it feels “good” because we are already full. The more we give to ourselves the less validation we need from our partner and the more we receive with appreciation and we adore the simplest of “gifts” we are given from our partner, whether that be a compliment, a helping hand, a kiss, or a physical gift. We feel it deeply and the love together deepens as a result, increasing the appreciation and balance of a reciprocal relationship. When we begin to expect our partner to do what we need to be doing for ourselves and they don’t meet that expectation we tend to blame and project our lack of self worth onto them. When we put our self worth in another's hands we will continue to not feel good enough. We have to learn to validate our own existence, I feel many women struggle with this balance of give and take. I know that I did. Because I love my beloved and my family so much I would over give while neglecting myself. As women we tend to think that we have to constantly be giving our love otherwise we don’t deserve to receive it or that if we stop giving we won’t receive and we don’t want to take the risk of being abandoned or rejected so we settle for less than we deserve in order to satisfy our ego, but what we’re doing when we choose to listen and act from the fear and neglect our needs is; we move further away from our heart. If we don’t open our hearts, how do we ever expect another to open up and give their heart to us and receive their love fully and with gratitude? If we can't first provide and receive it for ourselves will always be searching in our partner for the love and validation we should be producing for ourselves and the love they do give will still not be enough. The only way to feel whole in a relationship is to create a sense of wholeness within ourselves.