Entry Three

Wednesday, December 19th, 2018

It’s the end of the year, I cannot believe that it is the end of 2018, this is a time of self reflection, as the seasons change we must move from doing to being and it is a challenging transition. We come from a society that enforces movement and action and never truly reminds us to slow down and look at how far we’ve come in a year. Instead our consumerist culture turns this time of year into a competition. I get a sense of “I did all this work, made all this effort or made all this money and I have nothing to show for it” mentality. When we get stuck in this state of “not enough” we neglect our sense of achievement thus making us forgo our sense of gratitude for where we are and what we have.

2018 has been a year of tremendous growth for most people, whether they realize it or not. This year has been challenging collectively and personally for a majority of people. It is a time right now to look deep into our inner strength. Find the serenity within because what we’re learning is happiness and validation come from within, not without. In a society that has taught us the complete opposite “to look without”. It is challenging our egos, it is challenging our sense of immediate gratification, it is teaching us how to have patience. In a fast paced culture like America we have to learn how to incorporate our divine feminine energy by flowing and allowing things to come to us without forcing or controlling the timing and the outcome. This is healing the feminine energy within us, whether you’re a man or a woman does not matter as this energy exists in both genders. The distorted feminine energy wants to manipulate and control, especially in terms of relationships and this is challenging women to confront their own actions and take responsibility and accountability for the behavior they allow into their lives by looking deeper into their sense of self worth. For men this is teaching them how to discern from intuition and fear or societal based perceptions of what the feminine is. Men who have a hard time trusting women are learning how to trust the part of them that is feminine, which would be their emotions. This is a challenging time for both sexes and energies as they try to find their balance. If things feel imbalanced in life or in relationships it is a time to evaluate where you may be out of balance internally and focus on self. When we resist going deeper within is when we generally want to blame outside circumstances or people.

Flowing can be intimidating to our mind. If you think about the ocean it can be deep, dark and scary. The unknown scares our reptilian brain. One way we avoid being in the flow of life is we create mental conflict. We create drama in our minds which manifests externally to keep us from accepting and revealing our vulnerability. To admit that we are petrified of going deeper within ourselves is a hard place to be, but the only way to have a deeper connection with life and with others is to form a deeper connection with ourselves. We can’t skip over the challenging and difficult times, because without them we would never appreciate the “good” times and we would never truly know our strength and capability as a soul having a human experience.

This time of year can force us into intimacy with family members, co-workers and friends. It brings up a lot of “wounding” and creates a sense of being estranged. This sense of being estranged is an indicator for self development, as it is a sense of being estranged from our soul. This time of year can feel extremely uncomfortable and that’s why most of us tend to over indulge in gift giving, spending absurd amounts of money, over eating, drinking, pretending to have everything together when secretly we’re dying inside. This time of year is the time of metaphorical death. It is a period of shedding and releasing in order to begin anew in the spring. If you’re feeling lost or like it would be easier to die, than know that this is how you’re supposed to be feeling this time of year. A part of you is dying so that other parts of you can come to life.

Instead of focusing on the death of the “old” you and all the pain and loneliness you may be feeling in this season, know that it is all part of showing you how far you have come. No matter what it may look like to others, your accomplishments, no matter how small or how significant they are, you made it. You’re here, you’re alive and that alone is something to be proud of.

We can hold on to all of our “fuck ups” and we can focus on what we don’t have yet or what isn’t here right now or we can shift our perspective and see this as a job well done. I am personally having trouble right now with ending a cycle of negative thinking. I’ve been working on this the last year and I feel like I am finally at the place where I can see my failures as an opportunity. For me it takes a lot of patience with myself to not beat myself up. To not listen to the voices that tell me that I am a failure, that I didn’t do enough, that I am a loser who fucked up. I am learning to see that accomplishments don’t have to necessarily be physical. Most of my accomplishments this year have been spiritual and energetic, though my physical body has transformed because of this internal “work”. I have shifted my energy to a whole new level and to me that is a great feeling. If I were to be in the position I am now without having matured spiritually I would feel completely defeated right now. Some days I still wake up with the sense of lack, with a sense of nothing is happening with a sense of doubt. But it’s teaching me so much about my sense of value. I’ve never had a sense of value, so learning to embrace this feeling is extremely uncomfortable and challenging to my mind. Self mastery is not easy, just when you think you’ve done all you can do, you will be met with a new opportunity to grow and learn even more about yourself. You can choose to face it head on or you can choose to run away from yourself. Either direction will bring about change, it just depends on how much you resist the change or embrace it that determines the quality of peace you feel within as the transformation occurs.

Honestly I feel sexy and healthy so my goal is to focus on that right now as the discomfort arises and the change takes place. This feeling to me is so foreign that when I embody it I feel scared of it, I feel as though I am not supposed to feel this good in my body. I know that it is okay and that actually it is my birthright to feel this way, to feel joy and excitement, to feel good in my own skin, but that doesn’t mean that it comes easily to me. It’s a consistent practice of retraining my thoughts to focus on feeling sexy and healthy, of making the thoughts match my feelings. I’ve done this before when I first began to awaken, but this new level of expansion is demanding a whole new level of determination and self discipline for me. It is demanding a new version of me and I must do the work and show up. Show up as the person I feel I am and not the person I project in order to stay safe and make others comfortable. To show up to the world as who I truly am and to stop hiding behind my fears and insecurities that keep me stuck. I feel so wealthy with health and self esteem, but I am having trouble projecting that into the world because I’ve never felt this way. I’ve always been shy and quiet, but that’s not who I am. I am bold and brave and confident in who I am. I am having trouble releasing this part of my old identity. I am holding on too tightly to the time I spent wasted pretending to be someone I am not in order to please the people around me. I am learning how to let go of others perceptions of me and learning to please myself, how to bring more joy into my life by simply being who I am and doing the things I love and enjoy. Everyday I am slowly stepping into who I am meant to become and releasing who I was told to be. It is uncomfortable, it is challenging to show the people who have only ever known you one way who you truly are. It is scary to be vulnerable, to face rejection and mockery. It is hard for them to accept, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be hard for me to accept. Everyone who is meant to be in my life will be there, but knowing that I will lose people just for being me is heartbreaking. To know that people won’t like who I am or what I have to say paralyzes me some days, but I know as a soul this is part of my mission, to bravely and boldly be who I am and knowing that no matter what anyone has to say that I know my truth and that I am not afraid to embrace it. It is a powerful and liberating feeling.

Why is it so hard for me to allow myself to feel good? Why do I insist on making myself feel bad? Why am I doing this? These are the questions I have to ask myself daily to keep me from dwelling on what I didn’t accomplish this year and to shift to what I have accomplished in just one year. It really is all about perspective. We have to challenge our perspective each second of each day. Am I in a space of resistance and fear? Or am I in a space of acceptance and love? Before we react we must observe our behavior and our perception of the situation at hand. This forces us to slow down and come into the present moment.

When I am in the space of ego and fear I can feel it in my body, I feel unsafe, I feel as if everything is wrong, that I must be doing something wrong. But when I come back to the present moment and I meet my soul in silence and stillness I know deep into my core that all is well. This is forcing me to see the sanctuary I built within myself this year. I built a home within myself this year and that alone is more than anything I could ever receive from anyone. To know that this year I gave myself the greatest gift I could ever receive is a nice accomplishment. When I recognize this within myself a smile comes to my face and I want to jump with joy at all I’ve done.

This year the treasure I found was within. Everything I ever wanted internally I searched for within and I provided for myself. It is nice knowing that the value I found within can never be taken away from me. That no matter what I face this feeling will never go away, in fact I will continue to nurture it into the new year. I will continue to watch my value

grow in the physical. I am excited to see my intentions come to fruition in 2019. If we are to grow new abundant seeds in the new year, we must purify and let go of anything that is rotten. If we want a bountiful crop we must weed out the “old” and focus on nurturing the “new”. This is a time to let go of anything weighing you down; the past, beliefs, habits, thought patterns and relationships in order to make room for your new seeds to grow. The quote; “You can’t heal in the same place that made you sick” comes to mind. May 2018 end with a sense of accomplishment and pride and 2019 be filled with miraculous blessings and new opportunities.