Entry Ten (The Paradox)

Wednesday, February 13th, 2019

“Your life is a paradox and you have to accept that who you were created who you are” ~ A Whisper from my Soul

I posted a picture yesterday on Instagram of my stomach. It had a filter and looked really good after I had just stretched. But I want to discuss the past beliefs around my self image that haunt me and share a picture that is more accurate. I have shamed my stomach for so long, not just my entire adult life, but I also watched my mom shame herself growing up. I wasn’t allowed to express my sexuality or sensuality growing up, I was shamed for dancing, being naked and heard words like “hussy” to describe clothes I would choose to wear. This wore on my self image. Body shame is something that has been passed down for generations through our ancestors, both male and female, it’s a deeply seeded wound. The only way I am able to heal this belief about how I perceive my body is to retrain my mind to see beauty in something I had been taught was shameful and unacceptable, even indecent. I have to look at myself in the mirror and be conscious of the words I choose to speak about my body. The more I began to speak towards myself nicely the more my perception changes, it is not just about how it looked to the outside world, only how I feel about it on the inside. When I stop judging myself the less I feel judged by others. This drastically changed how I viewed my relationship with the world.

It has taken a couple of years of retraining my mind to see the beauty in my “flaws”. And honestly it is still a regular practice. There are days when I feel absolutely great and I look at my stomach in the mirror with great pride at how far I’ve come. Then there are the days (mostly on the days I am mentally taxed) that I look down at my saggy skin and I utterly hate myself for destroying my body, and the worst part is, I only have myself to blame. This could send me down a rabbit hole of self sabotage and I struggle with this frequently, it is a constant practice of self forgiveness. I have to choose to treat myself with love in those moments, whether it be through the food I choose to eat, affirmations, meditation, a bath, writing. I have to make the effort and commitment to constantly redirect my thoughts from self critical to self valuing.

I have to be in the space of complete self love and acceptance and also observe my emotions that are triggering my self hate wound. The most challenging part of it all is choosing not to react from any of the past versions of myself; the inner child who isn’t allowed to be naked, the adolescent that feels uncomfortable in her own skin, the teenager that is ashamed of her body, and the young adult who completely hates herself. They are all standing behind me, just outlines of who I was, shadows of the past, telling me to react by crying, eating, rejecting, abandoning. I want to disown them, but instead here I am staring them all down, telling them who is boss, but also telling them that I am loved, accepted and safe. I take child Ashley and hold her hand, the rest of the “girls” are walking with me. I acknowledge them all, they trust me. I always have them with me, they always want to react by lashing out verbally or being defensive, but I know they’re only trying to protect me and so I choose to work with them. I don't ignore them, but sit with them and hear what they are concerned about and I have to rationally explain to them what is going on so that they understand. Literally being a parent to them.

When we fight or punish aspects of ourselves that we aren’t willing to accept we stay stuck because we choose to live in the past by allowing “them” (the past) to have emotional control, ultimately creating scenarios from the past to integrate the lesson. The only way to pave a new path is to react from a different version of myself. To still see and hear all the voices of the past, but choose to act in a way that honors who I am now and without shaming who I was then. The balancing act is interesting, but I am learning so much about myself and for that I am grateful.

I am proud of who I am becoming and I am thankful for who I was. I need all versions of me to feel whole. Now I finally have control over the only thing I can control, my thoughts. My thoughts dictate how I feel and every time I feel “bad” about myself I know it’s because I am unaware of my thoughts and how I am speaking to myself. Becoming aware of my internal dialogue is where my weight loss journey began, if I could love myself then, I can certainly do it again on a new level. That’s the thing about growth, as soon as we ascend to another level of awareness we are met with challenges or tests to see if we will incorporate what we’ve learned and use it. Sometimes I think, okay I’ve already done this, why am I seeing it again only in a new way? Then it’s a whole process of accepting that I haven’t healed it completely within myself so I am being given another chance, not that I am a victim to it, only that I am a student.

Right now I am feeling smart and dumb at the same time. Wise and ignorant. It’s the oddest and most uncomfortable place to be. I feel vulnerable and past Ashley wants to run, to avoid to shame, but I am choosing to accept that I will never be completely healed, I’ll never be perfect (perfectionism is the sneakiest of all self sabotage, it always gets me) but at the same time I am perfect and lovable just as I am right now. I will never be complete or finished and honestly sometimes it makes me feel overwhelmed. That’s why it’s important for me to live in the moment and find joy in the simple things, because without play and pleasure I could not make it through this life long journey of healing.

I’ve been working on my core for a good year now, I feel so strong inside, I have a sense of vitality that I’ve never experienced before, it’s hard to not see it reflected in the mirror. But the outer reflection isn’t what is important, it’s the feeling inside that matters. The outside image only validates the mind, how we see ourselves affects what we see. For me I envision a smooth, tight, fit stomach, that’s how it feels, it’s as if i'm seeing what my body would have looked like had I not been ashamed of it. Then I see it for what it truly is and I have to not hate it, but accept that it is what it is. Most days I choose to see my excess skin as a trophy of how far I’ve come when it comes to my health and I am so happy I could dance and jump and cry tears of joy. But I also like to share the part of me that is still there, and always will be, that was trained to hate herself through her lineage and her society. Then comes the other rabbit hole; “HOW COULD I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT?!” I could beat myself up for days if I wanted to and honestly sometimes I still do, but learning how to be more compassionate is the most soul satisfying mission and I intend to follow through with my vision of what it means to be more self compassionate.

You are perfectly imperfect and lovable just as you are, always remind yourself of that!

Thanks for reading!

Much love,

Ashley