Entry Six

Saturday, January 5, 2019

My first entry of the New Year, the day of the new moon and eclipse has got me feeling all sorts of emotions. I am trying to sort through so many different emotions, discerning and deciphering what is mine and what is being projected onto me and the illusions from the past that want to stop me from moving forward.

I’ve stayed fairly quiet throughout my awakening. Most times I felt forced into staying quiet because my truth makes others uncomfortable. Especially my close family and friends, it’s completely understandable as they have always known me “one” way. My beliefs make others uncomfortable, it makes them question their own. People don’t like it, especially people that don’t like or want change or have never been taught how to follow or even believe in their dreams and their potential.

Since the beginning of my awakening, about two years ago this month I have faced adversity from the people closest to me. They have challenged me the whole time. I had always looked at it in a way that they didn’t love or accept me, that they didn’t support me. It still hurts sometimes, to see the people that have been your “stability” treat you as if you are a burden or “crazy” for believing in yourself and following your dreams. Most people will never have the courage to follow their hearts desires, and as a result they will challenge you and put you down simply because of their own incapacity to believe in themselves.

The bigger your dreams, the more adversity you will face. If you want to follow your dreams you have to build your strength, especially your mental strength. If you want something bad enough you have to develop will power. When you speak your truth and you tell the world your ideas, your hopes, dreams and ambitions and they criticize you in anyway, shape or form, it is coming from a sense of feeling inferior within themselves, ultimately it has nothing to do with you. So you have two options when someone shoots you down; you can listen to their own self doubt or you can choose to see them through the eyes of love and continue to believe in yourself.

Some days it felt as if the whole world was conspiring against me, our whole world tends to be the people closest to us. It is mind boggling to me that the people that claim to love you most can’t support or see you because they are blind to themselves, mostly they’re blind to their own potential. Awakening spiritually has been the toughest thing I’ve experienced, but it’s also been the most life changing, transformative, growth inducing thing I’ve experienced. I wouldn’t trade my experience for anyone else’s. I am in the best shape of my life, I’ve never been healthier, I have confidence, self esteem, I developed mental strength, emotional strength and unconditional love, for myself and the ones that challenged me the whole time. I’ve become a better version of myself through this experience and I have a great sense of pride in my accomplishments over the last two years. My growth has been phenomenal and I am done “acting” like it was “no big deal” or a waste of time. My journey is unique to me and that has been a hard lesson to learn, especially with a big ego and our society that constantly keeps us comparing. Your life is a work of art, no matter what it looks or doesn’t look like to others it is yours and you get to choose how you will perceive it. Most people choose suffering, struggle and fear because it is all they know and it has been so comfortable that they don’t know how to take the steps to pull themselves out of that space of worry and “poor me” mindset.

I used to view life this way, it was all I knew, it is what I was taught through my beliefs as a child. We form so many self limiting beliefs in childhood, our ego is being formed by our environment and what we see, hear and feel impacts how we view the world around us. Breaking the mental habit of worry, pain and chaos has been the most challenging lesson so far. Our mind can easily become trapped by these illusions of the past. Reprogramming your mind daily to focus on the love and peace you feel within, from your soul is a constant practice and it takes consistency. Peace of mind is the way to our dreams. Keeping our hearts open in the midst of change, transformation and growth will be the most difficult task, but it will also be the most rewarding. If we cannot stay at peace in the midst of the projections of others self limiting beliefs and their doubt within themselves while pursuing our dreams we will easily become entangled in self doubt and be pulled down by their lack of belief in themselves.

I am ready to move forward and leave the worry, self doubt, “poor me” mentality in the past. I am ready to move forward passionately in pursuit of what sets my soul on fire. People are going to doubt me, but I will always remember that their doubt in me is being projected from their doubt within themselves. I hope that whoever faces me can look at me and say; “if she can do it, so can I.” The thing about me is; I am a fighter. I don’t give up, I will always be broken and I will persevere despite the “road blocks” that come my way. When you are already broken, nothing can break you. I have discipline, determination and integrity, the perfect recipe for a leader. I have two sides to me, the one I show the world; sweet, innocent, childlike Ashley. But I also have a sexy warrior goddess (that’s what I like to call myself when I am in need of strength) within me, I also have a dark side to me (Gemini), I always hid this part of me, especially because I do have a very light energy, I was scared that if I show my “dark” side I wouldn’t be “accepted” so I hid it away. I didn’t want to come off as “intimidating” or a “bitch” so I dimmed myself to make others comfortable. This also stems from self limiting beliefs I formed as a child about what it means to be a woman. I was never encouraged to express my rage, my fire, so I put it out, because it wasn’t “acceptable” behavior for a “little girl”. I also have a lot of sexual energy that I have kept dormant because of fear and I didn’t want to be called or looked at as a “whore”. This energy is also known as creative energy, by ignoring my natural sexual desires I cut myself off from my creative energy, also cutting me off from my natural flow of abundance and prosperity. I am excited to explore more of my sexuality and sensuality. As I’ve lost weight and found my confidence I am more willing to share parts of me I once used to shame, it’s extremely liberating. I enjoy sex, I enjoy writing about sex. This used to scare me, it is way out of my comfort zone, to talk or write about sex, but it’s part of me, it’s actually one of my favorite parts of me. This is how we own our shadow, by embracing it and owning all parts of ourselves. So many women shut this part of them off to “fit in” or they judge it in other women because it’s something they are rejecting within themselves. Women have been cut off from their sexuality and their primal sexual needs for so long that it is causing an internal battle of the sexes (energy).

It’s funny because I also have within me a “little boy”. I am currently working on nurturing this aspect within myself. He likes to climb trees, take risks, jump around, scream, run, play in the dirt, he wants to learn and explore. I have this urge to explore myself even further, but in the past I always approached it with “fear of the unknown”. Now I am starting to see it as an adventure, it’s more exciting because I get to find new things, I feel like I am on a treasure hunt. I am excited to nurture and watch my masculine energy mature, I like this part of me, “he” is intelligent, inventive, creative, strategic, assertive, direct, honest and dominating, he is all the parts of me that I need in order to bring my vision to life. In order for us to bring our dreams into fruition we need both masculine and feminine energies. The issue most women have these days, as the feminine movement gains momentum is the mentality “I don’t need a man” or “fuck men”, because they are still bitter from the past. We may not need a man physically or financially, but we still need our divine masculine energy. Without him we will have trouble grounding our vision into practicality. Most women also have trouble trusting their masculine energy due to childhood wounding and past lifetime experiences involving a male betraying them. But our masculine energy is discerning, he knows when to say; “yes” and when to say; “no”. The masculine energy within us is a natural born leader, he is guided by the divine through his intuition. He makes strategic moves based off his feelings surrounding the situation. If we can’t trust our masculine energy, we will have a hard time trusting ourselves, this will reflect in our actions, as the masculine energy is action oriented.

I personally have a love hate relationship with my masculine energy. “He” pushes me to grow and to see past my own bullshit, he humbles me and sometimes I want to push him away, I have in the past, but now I understand that “he” is doing it for me, that “he” only wants to help me because “he” believes in me. So now when I feel suffocated or trapped by my masculine energy I look inside and see where I am trapping myself. Being energetically married is not easy and it will challenge your ego every step of the way, but you will learn and grow within yourself. I know that I will only continue to better myself. There’s no stopping me, once you develop a growth mentality, you’ll never stop seeking experiences that teach you more about yourself and your potential.

I had this vision the other day; I am in this space where I am being asked to really embrace my divine feminine energy, to relax and surrender into the unknown. As I mentioned above it can be hard for me to be in this space without feeling like “I am not doing enough”, without worrying about how it’s going to “end up”, but I am getting so much better at allowing myself to be in this space without mentally beating myself up. So I had a breakthrough; I have always had a huge barrier to love, mostly to receiving love because of the past. I have spent the last two years diligently and forcefully (sometimes) dismantling the wall I had built to protect my heart, I needed my heart to be able to follow my dreams, so I had to put in the work to remove this obstacle that I had essentially created myself as a way to protect myself from receiving love. Back to my vision; I was in this space where it was light and dark at the same time, it’s hard to describe, but I was looking out to this vast empty space, it was barren, but I saw light, it was still a little foggy so I couldn’t “see” clearly, but I could feel that I was somewhere spectacular. I kept saying; I can’t see anything yet, but it feels beautiful. This is why I trust my feelings over what I am seeing in the physical. I turned around to get more information and I saw this massive wall, It was towering, dense and stretched as far as I could see. I heard guidance; “There’s no more work for you to do, there’s no more wall to climb, you can rest.” I cried at first, I have always been taught to “bust your balls” so allowing myself time to rest can be uncomfortable, I have to constantly remind myself that I deserve to rest. I have been climbing the wall for 2 years now, it had become so familiar and comfortable there that I wanted to cling, I wanted to stay, but I allowed myself to “drop”. I then got this burst of excitement as I felt the energy of the “new”. It is incredible how far I have come in two years. I have only just begun, I have so much to explore and accomplish in this lifetime and I am excited to get started. It used to feel so overwhelming, but now I know that since I’ve put in the work internally I can now face anything that comes my way externally with grace and compassion, for myself and for others.

If you’re feeling the urge to follow the calling in your heart, know that it will not be easy, it is not the road most traveled and it will not go as expected by the ego. You will have to create new paths instead of following the crowd, you will most likely feel isolated and lonely. You will have to learn to trust your intuition, trust your instincts, this requires you develop your masculine and feminine energies. But know that in healing and balancing the energies within yourself you will create a tremendous ripple effect without. By balancing and healing these energies within we are literally shifting the paradigm, we are creating a new Earth. I like to focus on the benefits it will have on Earth, our environment. I am doing this for myself, but I am also doing it for our planet and humanity, and that is what keeps me going. Staying focused on the long term goal is what keeps me motivated to keep up with the mindless everyday tasks to reach the greater outcome. This is also why I like using the quote “be the change” because without internal change we will never see external change. I feel this new year is going to force people to turn inward because it is through our inner world that we create our outer world. Our planet is in need of regeneration, the only way we can do that is by allowing the “old” to die. The tighter we cling to familiarity the more resistance we create and the more challenging the transformation will feel. It is important to remember that all that is happening within and without is teaching you something. If we cannot find the beauty and the deeper meaning behind it all we will continue to suffer. You are always right where you are meant to be for your personal growth and evolution. Don’t compare, don’t judge. Be gentle and compassionate towards yourself this year and watch how it changes your reality. Through learning to be gentle and compassionate towards ourselves we will begin to project that outwardly, creating massive shifts for humanity and Mother Earth.

Thank you for reading, much love, Ashley <3