Entry Seven

Saturday, January 26th, 2019

I just had the most beautiful and insightful meditation session as I was doing my yoga. I was cleansing out my heart chakra and called upon Mother Mary and Archangel Raphael to assist in clearing any old resentment, anger, heartbreak and grief and I was visited by my grandfather, my mothers, father. He passed when I was a sophomore in high school, I felt his presence and heard him tell me how proud he is of the work I’ve done and thanked me for healing both of my blood lines. He told me it has been an honor to see me grow from the heavens. He was with my grandmother, whom I never met, she died unexpectedly one year before I was born. He reminded me of how much joy I brought him as his first grandchild and apologized for my childhood. I of course was crying. He also told me that my entire family, my bloodline was standing with me supporting my work. I felt a large amount of souls standing with me, including my paternal grandfather and great grandmother. I could feel my ancestors power behind me. They asked to please accept their gift. I felt his hand on my right shoulder and felt as my nervous system was repaired.

I have spent the last two months extensively healing my self limiting beliefs, releasing negative thinking, doubt, worry, defensiveness, abandonment, fear, lack, loss and greed/gluttony. All these attributes of suffering were deeply embedded into my bloodline. My mother's side was lack, poverty consciousness, sexual abuse, low self esteem, pessimism. On my father's side was physical abuse, defensiveness, worry, scarcity and greed. Both sides carried poor health and extreme self hatred. I have finally gotten these energies balanced out. I am just wrapping up a two year cycle. It began January 2017, this recent full moon eclipse in Leo was the ending of a two year cycle. So looking back at where I was two years ago is amazing. Two years ago I was experiencing a “dark night of the soul” although I didn’t know that’s what it was, it just felt like extreme heartbreak, a complete loss of my sense of self. I have been shedding my ego for the last two years and healing my bloodline, which is a huge part of my purpose. My bloodline was severely impairing the ascension of Mother Earth. I was sent here to transmute the negativity into light. It has been the most challenging lesson, but looking back, it’s been fun and exciting and definitely unexpected. I am finally in a place of acceptance and peace.

The gift that my ancestors gave me was significant because I spent most of my childhood in fear. Living with a father that has repressed anger was a lot like living on a battlefield full of hidden landmines. I learned quickly how to move around these triggers. Not speaking here, not crying there, not being angry anywhere. I basically had to become someone I wasn’t in order to make it through. In the process my frontal lobe, our flight or fight response was fried. I felt I could never relax, I couldn’t ever put down the armor, always in a state of worry because I was almost constantly in fear and never knew when the next attack would happen or what would set it off. The chaos fried my nervous system. I was almost in a state of chronic pain, especially in my neck and shoulders, which is where I carry stress. Healing my fear and slowly letting down my defenses has been challenging. Yoga and meditation have brought so much health, happiness and balance into my life. I am extremely grateful for this journey because without it I never would have found myself. Two years ago I also wanted to run away, mostly from myself, but today I am running toward myself because it’s the only place that makes sense. I am getting used to relaxing and allowing myself to feel pleasure and joy without feeling like I am doing something “wrong”. I have finally found the serenity within and I am easier able to keep myself there even with outside influences. It is a rewarding feeling! The last two years of my life have honestly felt like a blur, things are finally coming into focus and I am so excited!