Entry Nine

Sunday, February 10th, 2019

“Use your darkness as fuel to create light” ~ A whisper from my Soul

Rock bottom is a term used frequently in communities of people who experience addiction. I feel like the term rock bottom has a bad rep. In fact most people may never hit rock bottom because they aren’t willing to surrender to their own despair, their own inner turmoil, instead they run from it. They hide under the rubble instead of escaping and rebuilding from a much stronger and sturdier foundation. So while most people associate it with pain, and it can be, it is actually a breakthrough. It's a catapult to throw you into a new way of living, being and perceiving. Most people fear hitting rock bottom, they fear the crash and burn, the disintegration of who they have been, it’s the fear of fully and truly seeing yourself, no more hiding and that can be terrifying. Denial is easier, avoidance in easier. Most of us have been taught how to avoid and numb the things that make us uncomfortable, so we just don’t go there within ourselves. In order to find who we are we have travel the depths of our soul, we have to meet ourselves in spaces we’ve never been taught how to cope with. This can cause immense suffering through the process of self discovery. It can be easy to view self discovery as torture or you can choose to see it as an exploration.

Rock bottom does not have to be dramatic or explosive, rock bottom can also be you being so fed up with your own bullshit that you finally decide to get out of your own way and take the initiative to change your life. At some point we have to get out of the driver's seat, stop trying to control every aspect of our lives and allow ourselves to be guided by a force higher than ourselves. How do we do that? We become aware of our blocks and we get honest with yourself about what stays and what goes. It's a process of elimination, a detox of harmful people, environments, foods, beliefs and habits. This creates the foundation for the relationship you have with yourself. As you begin to recognize your self worth, you believe in yourself, your actions have to begin to reflect the feelings you have in order to create the change you are desiring. You have to start acting in accordance to your new values and beliefs.

You can desire change all you want, but until you start taking action to create that change you'll never see your manifestations come to life. It’s easy to dream and to envision a “great” future for yourself, but at the same time you have to be reacting to the same scenarios in a different way in order to shift out of them. You have to begin to self reflect and take accountability for the energy that you’re bringing to the table each day. Awareness of your energy begins to shift your reality. Behind all action is intention. It’s the intention behind the action that matters more than the actual physical action, because the intention is the energy you’re aligning with and is what will ultimately be reflected back at you, especially when it comes to relationships.

Your relationship with yourself is key to your experience with life. When we hate our self we hate others. When we criticize or judge our self we do the same to others. When we harm our self, we harm others. When we’re not honest with our self, we aren’t honest with others. This causes a massive discord in relationships. Relationships that aren’t built on authenticity will crumble. That doesn’t mean that they can’t be rebuilt from stronger values, but both parties have to be willing to participate in the destruction and the rebuilding in order for it to heal and strengthen. When we can’t commit to our self, we can't commit to others and we can’t commit to our dreams and desires. If we’re not willing to participate in our own self development, our relationship will never develop. We’ll continue to live on an endless loop, having the same arguments, disagreements, toxicity and we will continue to stay “stuck”. The only one that can free us from dysfunction is ourselves. We have to see our dysfunction and not shame it, but accept it. When we have a dysfunctional relationship with self we will attract dysfunctional relationships. When we accept our dysfunction we can begin to create new healthy, self loving and self honoring habits and beliefs to shift our relationship with self creating a shift in the dynamic of future relationships.

When we don’t know what is important to us, when we don’t have a strong sense of self and values we have trouble communicating what we need in order to feel safe, secure, loved and respected. This creates conflict within, which ultimately gets projected outwardly, this is generally when we create chaos or drama or pick a fight. It’s a form of self sabotage. There is a part of us that feels the need to defend what is important to us, but if we don’t know what is important to us and others needs become more important than our own we lose our self and we neglect what we value in order to meet others needs, this causes resentment. Resentment then turns to blame. Blame is so much easier than accountability. Blame is the thief of joy and freedom. It puts your power in the hands of someone else. If you feel out of control it is because you have given your power to someone else, most likely emotionally. This holds you emotionally hostage and keeps you feeling like a victim. To come back in control of your life you have to get to know yourself, you have to figure out, develop and strengthen your sense of self and live in accordingly. Our sense of personal power comes from the belief in ourselves. It stems from self trust. Every time we make a choice and it is not aligned with our values it creates a form of self-betrayal. When we are feeling one way, but act another way we create mixed signals and what we desire can not come to us because we are blocking it by not having a clear intention. If we want something, but are still holding onto what is toxic we will not receive because the space has not been created. The further we stray from our truth, our values, the further we stray from what is meant for us and the more we create betrayal as a teacher to guide us to trust ourselves, to bring us back in alignment to what we truly desire, to what is most important to us. We can see betrayal as a tragedy or we can see it as a teacher of self trust.

Practicing self trust is a form of practicing faith, it requires us to live with integrity, to live as if every action we take is being watched by the Divine. When we’re living for the Divine we are living in alignment with our highest good. We feel this in your body, through our intuition. We receive confirmation through our trust in the Divine through synchronicity. We will know when we receive a sign that we are on the right path because the message will feel encouraging. Our masculine (God energy) is the father and “he” makes sure we are directed and protected on our journey. Our feminine (Earth energy) is the mother and “she” nurtures and holds us on the path to self discovery. When we begin to trust these energies and guidance we begin to develop self trust. The more we trust in our own energy the more we begin to feel supported and the more confidence we develop. This creates a tremendous shift in energy, it opens us up to infinite possibilities, opportunities and abundance in all areas of life; financially, spiritually, relationships, romance, career, family and health. When we trust the Divine, we trust our self and we trust the path.

Thanks for reading!

Much Love

Ashley <3