Entry Four

Thursday, December 20th, 2018

My parents divorce fucked me up. I was listening to the song Love Triangle by RaeLynn and it triggered a feeling of my heart being completely ripped in half. And the most messed up thing about it is; I told my parents that I wanted them to get a divorce. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I couldn’t deal with the stress and chaos of them being together, the feeling of instability became “normal” for me. Them being apart wasn’t any easier, in fact it just got worse, my mom used it to her advantage and my dad felt betrayed by his own children. It broke all of us. As children we are easily manipulated by our mothers, we believe they will tell us the truth, we believe we can trust them without question. We assume that our mothers always have our best interests at heart, that’s not true for some. I am sure there are mothers out there that do, but I did not have a relationship like that with my mother. She was so far from herself that she was not able to provide us with maternal love that we needed. The only way my dad new how to deal with it was anger and it bled out of him, staining us, only re enforcing what we saw as children and deeply ingraining the belief of him being a “monster”. My mother used to tell us that, that our father was a monster. She only did this to make herself feel better about not knowing how to stand up for herself and walk away from someone that she allowed to walk all over her and treat her like garbage. My mother never wanted to take responsibility for her part of the dysfunctional relationship so she projected blame onto him, only deeply ingraining the victim mentality and the lack of self respect. These behaviors formed my beliefs around what it means to be a man and a woman. It also was the bases for how I treat my inner masculine and feminine. The way I heard my parents talk to each other wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t yelling and screaming all the time, but it was the degrading comments about my mom, it was the way my mom talked shit about my dad, over dramatizing the truth to have a “good” story, making him look bad so that she could paint herself as a victim and get sympathy.

When I began to awaken spiritually, which was catalyzed by my dad being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with only a year to live in January 2015. At that time I didn’t know anything about a spiritual awakening or what it entailed so at the time it just felt like grief, loss, shock and depression. This cracked my heart chakra open and I began to purge resentment and anger that I had built up toward my dad through childhood and into early adulthood. All of the feelings I had repressed came flooding to the surface and I had to allow myself to feel them, at first I didn’t I still kept it inside because I believed that I needed to be strong for everyone else, especially my brother. I’ve always felt motherly and protective towards him, I also carried so much guilt for not being able to protect him from either of them, I’ve always felt a responsibility for him, maybe it’s just my big sister coming out, but I believe that he has a lot to offer the world. People don’t see him and the potential that I do, maybe I hold him to a high standard, but that’s only because I can see his soul, I can feel how big his heart is and the world needs more men with big, open and loving hearts. I’ve always had this natural instinct to be a mother and to protect and provide unconditional love for my family, but the problem with that is I was putting everyone else before myself and neglecting my needs, which is why my health was non existent and I was on the way to dying at a very young age. As I began to heal these emotional wounds I began to change my life drastically. I began to feel so much better as I allowed myself to feel. Part of my purpose is to share my feelings for the world to see. We’re so far gone from emotional health, especially in America and it’s killing a majority of our citizens. Obesity is the number one killer in this country and it’s because we’re are emotionally unhealthy and we’ve been taught to consume. Food is good, taste is one of the coolest senses that we have and people are abusing it to feel better, to feel joy. Our society is sick and uses our senses to manipulate us. The health industry in this country is the sickest thing I’ve ever seen. This is why there are so many souls that incarnated as “healers” in this country at this time. We can heal ourselves. My brother just recently broke his hand and we were talking about how the bones can mend themselves with the proper placement to heal. The human body fascinates me. We’re capable of so much, but our minds are so sick here that we can’t see straight anymore. It’s like we’ve gotten so off track that we believe the way we live is “normal” when in fact the way a majority of people live is absolutely delusional and that’s why people feel so lost right now. We’re so far from our roots that the inner is clashing with the outer and people are feeling disoriented. That’s how I felt as I began to awaken and shed my ego. It was like; “What the fuck am I doing here?” That was how I began to search within to find my purpose. I needed to know more internally because nothing outside of me was making sense anymore. Now, I could be considered “crazy”. Am I “crazy” or am I actually mentally healthy now? I exercised my mind with meditation and mindfulness and it changed my entire belief system and shifted my external world. Our mind is our most valuable resource. Our mind is like a computer, it’s the hard drive, we get to program it with our thoughts and what we allow into our environment, sound and sight are two major influences when it comes to programming our mind and forming our beliefs about the world, men, women and relationships. As I focused inward It reflected outward. As within, so without.

I’ve been thinking about my mother and father wounds recently, as I let the past go and feel the remnants of the past leave my consciousness to make space for my new beliefs of the feminine and the masculine to have full power. I am seeing it from a whole new perspective. I am so thankful for what they taught my soul. When I was blaming my parents for my life being the way it was, I was miserable, I never felt good enough and I felt trapped, tied down by my past. All I did was learn how to free myself from the opinion of them. They love me and I love them, but I had to stop holding myself back to please them and make sure that they felt good about themselves. Did sharing my personal story piss them off? Absolutely the backlash I received was challenging to my ego. It taught me how to truly love them unconditionally and keep my self worth and self love intact. It hurt the whole time, I battled my mind the entire time. It felt as if I was betraying them and maybe that’s how they felt, but I was dealing with healing my own sense of self betrayal. From running away and betraying myself. I was learning how to find and trust myself again and that meant getting honest about why I was feeling so much hatred and anger toward them. When I got to the root of it and healed it I would share it in order to clear and transmute it into light. When we can own our darkness and it no longer owns us the feeling of liberation that comes with being vulnerable is powerful. It takes courage to share what fucked you up and knowing that someone had or has it worse could stop you, but what about the people that are too scared to face their shadows? What about the people that only know how to run away from themselves? I can be a voice for them, I can fearlessly take the lead for them. I believe everyone has a unique story to tell the world, whether it is gruesome and challenging or if it’s been pleasant and rewarding. Either way, we all have a right to share and to be seen and heard so that we can feel like one again. So we can wake up to the fact that we are all each other's family. We are brothers and sisters and we need to modify our behavior and do the work to change our individual lives in order to change the collective. The best part about sharing our stories is that we can turn our “pain” into creation and we can turn it into an empire. Creating a flow of abundance into our individual lives and flooding it into the world. I feel it is victorious if we can take the things we thought would break us and turn them into a fortune that will come from being of service for the greater good.

The way I choose to look at the world and live my life is unique and not everyone has the courage or the passion to live the way I do, and that is 100% okay. That does not mean that I will stop living how I feel I am supposed in order to please anyone else. I’m done telling myself that I am doing something “wrong”. There’s no right or wrong way to live, only the way that works and feels good for you. If you’re living from your heart space and others around you don’t understand it, that’s on them. If you’re living your best life and it’s reflecting people are going to want to tear you down. They will want what you have and instead of doing the work themselves they will criticize you. We have to see it from love and continue to move along. Unconditional self love is the shield that will protect us from being dragged into the matrix.