Entry Five

Saturday, December 22, 2018

I’ve been reflecting on the past year and I’ve been getting caught up in all that I didn’t accomplish in the physical instead of being proud of what I have done energetically. This year I birthed a new me, fell in love, got married and built a home. It might not look like what I or the world might have expected, but it's been quite a magnificent experience. At the end of this year I got caught up in the material world. I’m not "seeing" any of my hard work come into fruition yet… and it is challenging my ego. Immediate gratification is a challenging lesson to integrate.

As I’ve taken the time to go inward and focus on my spiritual path and growth I’ve come to the realization that I already have these things that I so desire in the physical, they just don’t look like what we’ve been taught. We’ve been taught that falling in love means falling in love with another person, though I have done that, the only way I could allow myself to fall in love with another was to fall in love with me first. That meant putting my needs above others, it meant creating physical, verbal and energetic boundaries, ending friendships, leaving a job that wasn’t making me happy anymore, it meant changing my mindset and putting in the work to make sure my own emotional, spiritual, energetic and physical needs were met. My physical needs are the lowest on my priority list as I know that nothing material, including finances will solve my problems or reduce my stress. We create our reality in our minds. We choose how we feel. No outer circumstance should sway our inner peace. Especially if your're developing self mastery, If it does, we’re too focused on fear or what we’re lacking and not on love. We only exist in the present moment. Whatever we have or are experiencing in the present moment is what we need. We can accept that or resist it. Because change is the only constant we have to allow ourselves to be flexible. If we’re finding it hard to flow and roll with the punches, it means we’re in a state of resistance. Resisting change creates conflict, generally in our minds which then gets projected outwardly causing chaos. Chaos and drama distract us from the present moment. It is a form of self sabotage. It’s how we avoid taking care of ourselves and we end up neglecting our own needs, lessons and growth. It only makes the change seem "rough".

Our minds are how we change our inner world so that what exists within can come to fruition without. That requires having clear intentions, being honest, practicing integrity and self discipline,practicing faith, trusting in our intuition and taking the steps we’re guided to in order for our inner world to collide and transform into our outer world. I wanted to get married before my Dad dies, and I did. This one is hard for the ego to grasp, but legal marriage to me is “odd”. As my values change it's becoming easier to flow and accept what the Universe is providing for me. I don’t believe that marriage should come with an attachment, especially an attachment to our government. True love is liberation and in a relationship each partner should feel free to leave at their will without feeling trapped or tied down by a piece of paper. Healing my masculine and feminine energy has created a sense of being whole within myself. I am married energetically. I am already in union with my beloved. If only I had been focusing on that the last few months and not on what I wasn’t seeing in the material maybe I could have seen the manifestation come to fruition. This has taught me how to release attachments. This is a lesson that I came to learn in this lifetime. To live a life that many others won’t understand, to create a new way of seeing love, marriage, relating and home.

We’ve been taught to seek our value outside of ourselves, this creates a sense of not enough and lack. When we search for validation externally we give our power away. Power has been distorted in the country. Power is not riches, power is a delicate strength and comes from a sense of inner peace. When we can be in the midst of chaos and not be taken over emotionally or mentally by it we stay in our “center” creating a vortex, a shield of divine protection. Relying on this sense of power creates shifts in our sense of personal value because we begin to see where our true power lies and we are able to easily access it with our thoughts and feelings ultimately becoming a magnet for our desires because we are in a state of powerful serenity. Our sense of authority begins to change from ego, control and domination to a state of peaceful surrender to a power much higher than we are capable of understanding with our limited minds. But we know in our soul that all we have to do is; create the space within to allow the divine power a place to live and thrive. We have to nurture our inner power. Our body is our home for our soul. Our home is sacred. We should be honoring our home and filling in with positive influences, sound, visuals, smells, textures, colors that create an alter. Our home should be our sanctuary. In order for our homes to reflect how we feel we have to create that same sort of sanctuary within ourselves with the way we talk to ourselves, the company we keep, the food we eat, the TV and books we watch and read. All these things influence our beliefs about the world around us. To create this space within yourself creates a feeling of stability that no job or money could compare to. I had to create a space within myself where I felt safe to relax and lay down my defences. That meant that I had to go to battle with myself. I had to dismantle my ego. I had to completely deconstruct my foundation so I could create something much stronger in order for me to feel at peace and relaxed in my own temple.

Not all my desires have come to fruition in the physical, but they still exist within me and to me that brings more value to me than any marriage license or mortgage could. Those things would give my ego a nice sense of security, but they mean nothing to a soul. To live a life that is truly free we have to forgo what we’ve been taught and live from our souls. There is so much pain in this country and it comes from our attachments to the physical world. People believe they’re somehow “missing out” or aren’t successful in life if they don’t have a physical attachment to “prove” their value. I will be focusing more on nurturing my marriage and home in 2019. Being with my beloved in the sanctuary we created this year is my favorite place to be so I am excited to see where it leads!