Entry Eight

February 5th, 2019

“Not everyone is going to believe you and that has to be okay.” ~ A whisper from my soul.

It is one of the most challenging things when your outer world is not quite reflecting your inner world and you’re straddling the invisible line of the “old” and the “new”. I call this place “the void”, I know it sounds so daunting, and honestly it used to be a place I wanted to run away from. I was so resistant to the emptiness because I had always associated it with being alone. I've come to find that it’s where I prefer to be. In the emptiness I am able to receive, I am able to dance in wonder at the space around me. It has taken me quite some time to accept this space with grace and ease. It used to frighten me because it felt so unfamiliar and I didn’t know what to do with all the empty space. Too often we use that space to worry, to distract ourselves from the whispers we hear from our soul. We numb with external comfort and instead tend to listen to the internal chatter that we’ve taken on from the people around us. Very rarely do we listen to that voice that tells us that everything is okay, that all is working out, there's no need to worry, you're safe, you are guided. We don’t trust that voice because it’s not what everyone else is saying. Because it is unfamiliar. But what if everything was okay and was happening in perfect order for your benefit?

I am having an unusual experience since the New Moon yesterday. I had excruciating ear pain yesterday, it was throbbing, but also felt as if my ear was being covered with a pillow. It is hard to describe, but I woke up this morning and I could still feel and hear the muffle. I asked for Jesus to help heal me and ask him why I was experiencing this. I believe that as a soul I manifested this to show me something more clearly. As souls we learn in contrast and this was creating a lot of discomfort for me. The pain was terrible, I wanted to cry and I even tried, but it felt pointless, it was only going to get me more worked up and focused on the pain. One way I choose to heal illness is through my own belief that I will get better and that I am capable of healing myself. When I was in pain yesterday I made poor choices because I was seeking comfort. This was a karmic lesson for me. I’ve always gone to food for comfort, I’ve been working on using Nature, Mother Earth, my Beloved and my Spirit team to help me break this codependency. It’s the times that are most challenging that I forget to ask for their help. So I had chose to eat food that wasn’t good for me, it made me feel heavy and I had indigestion (so uncomfortable). I asked Jesus to help me later that night because I felt miserable. The first thing he said to me was; “You should have come to me first” (meaning before the food). If I would have sought him to comfort me in the pain then I would have healed quicker and felt better in the process. Basically all I did by eating was lower my energy, making me feel worse than I already did.

I am really working on letting go of the “old” ways of doing things because honestly they don’t serve me. It can be hard to break these deeply ingrained patterns of living. It is definitely a journey and it requires a lot of compassion. I have to be extremely gentle with myself when I am in “the void”. The void triggers our shadow self because it is an energy of unknowingness, the ego senses danger and unfamiliarity and warns you of past experiences in order to protect you. You have to choose not to feed the past, you have to choose to nurture yourself in the present in order to soothe yourself from the feelings of the past that are being triggered by the void. You have to learn to recognize what is being triggered by the past and what is the “truth”. The truth will always feel good in your body, it will be presented to you with ease, with little effort. When we over analyze an emotion we create fear, false evidence appearing real. It is the part of us that wants to do what is familiar. It seeks comfort. Comfort is subjective. Every person's ideal of comfort will vary. What we have to do is learn how to comfort in a new way, in a way that doesn’t harm ourselves. Self destruction only creates more of the chaos and conflict we’re trying to comfort ourselves from in the first place. This keeps the karmic lesson on repeat. I have befriended this aspect of myself and I am constantly reminding her that I am okay, that all is well. I have had to do things that make her feel seen and comforted so that she doesn’t feel the need to “act out”. The void brings out our wounded inner child, you cannot shame that part of you. You can only love it in order to counteract its behavior. Doing the things that bring you joy will balance out your dark aspect. We all have two aspects to ourselves, our light (masculine energy) and our dark (feminine energy). It is up to us to decide what aspect we choose to nurture. The more we nurture the darkness the more dominant it becomes, the more heavy and burdensome our lives begin to feel. The only way we can move out of this space is by choosing to meet our darkness with light. Think of the masculine as the “positive charge” and the feminine as the “negative charge” We have both these energies within us and when in harmony they create a vibrational match to that of the frequency of God or what I like to call the frequency of love. When we operate at this frequency we tend to rely less on the external and more so on the internal. We are easier able to detach from the pain of the human body and be comforted by dwelling in the omnipresence of our spirit.

Yesterday I felt defeated, I felt like I could just collapse, and I did, into the energy of Jesus. He always comforts me, when I am in his energy every part of me relaxes, I feel loved unconditionally and I know for certain that all is well.

Today I woke up with the mindset of; It's a new day and I can start again! That’s my favorite part of having Jesus as my teacher, he is so understanding and most importantly, forgiving. Today I woke up and took a shower, lied under the water as it pounded on my stomach and I meditated on releasing old energy from my solar-plexus chakra. I got out, looked in the mirror and admired my naked body. I apologized for making it feel the way I did with overeating. I danced naked in my room to meditation music as a way to honor my body. I drank a smoothie. I laughed at myself. I made a healthy dinner while dancing to music in the kitchen. Today I chose to love myself, instead of shaming myself.

As I focused on loving and nurturing myself today I have been mostly pain free. When we constantly reiterate the pain and state it out loud or to ourselves we prolong the healing process we delay our recovery because we are aligning with that vibration. The only way to shift out of that vibration is by creating another one with our thoughts and our actions. It can be a challenge to pick ourselves up when we feel worn out. As I’ve focused more on what this illness was trying to signal to me I realized that it feels as if the “old” loud self critical, self sabotaging, self defeating voices of the past were being drown out by the silence, by the surrender into eternal love. The “new” more positive thoughts have finally become louder than the negative ones. Hallelujah! It seems that my clairaudience has been heightened as a result of shifting my energy. I am able to commune more easily with my soul. I am better able to observe my feelings because they are no longer triggering negative thoughts. It is quite miraculous and I am seeing it as a gift. My mind seems so quiet and at first it was unusual, but the peace is exactly what I needed. My body is shifting because of the new frequency I’m emanating. At first I wanted to panic and was all worried, but as I sat with the discomfort I heard what it was trying to tell me. Our body and soul want us to heal, we just have to make the time to listen (also why I developed ear pain) to how we can do it. That requires us being in “the void”. Sometimes we have to be forced into the void or into a state of rest because we are not willingly doing so, on a soul level we would manifest an illness as a way to allow the body and mind to rest.

Today I have felt as if I am in two places at once. With Spirit, but still in my body. It was an odd feeling, at first it almost seemed hard to focus, but the more I sat with it and observed, the more the uncomfortable began to feel “normal”, I would even go as far to say it was joyful, and relaxing. It’s the oddest feeling, but at the same time that I am sitting in the discomfort I am reaching for joy, I am accessing the frequency of love. It is my medicine. I relied on the comfort of my soul instead of seeking externally, for me that is a win! We always have a chance to start again, to forgive ourselves and to love ourselves as God would. Each day we have to start anew. We have to make it a practice to let go, to surrender to what the day is bringing us, to sit in the emptiness so that we are able to be filled with the love of God. When we are filled with eternal love we give eternal love, we love without condition and we grow deeper with compassion.

Thanks for reading! Much love

Ashley