Answered Prayers

Picture this, you’re a teenage girl coming home from middle school crying because the girls you thought were your friends “turned” on you and decided today that they didn’t like you anymore. You tell your mom why you’re hurting and instead of comforting you and telling you it’s going to be okay and you’ll find new friends, friends that are better for you… She talks about them and puts them down, instead of building you back up. You begin to wonder if theres something wrong with you, or maybe if you were just a little more like them, they would finally like you. You start to overthink and question every compliment, every intention another girl, friend, woman has. You ask yourself, is it genuine? Can I trust her? Will she betray me? Can I reveal my heart to her? Will she use it against me? Will she tear me down if I vulnerably express myself to her?

This is a true story. A story about how a fragile and insecure teenager had to overcome the fears of sisterhood in womanhood and how my mother wound deeply impacted my ability to make and keep, long lasting, sincere friendships into adulthood. I struggled for years to feel like I fit in. (Don’t we all?) To be part of a circle that would support me, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, who could see me at my worst and not judge me and see me thriving at my best and not envy me. I’ve desired intimacy in sistership for as long as I can remember. Longing to find women who, like me, wanted to feel the connection & bonding of their fellow sisters.

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” ||Galatians‬ ‭6:9-10‬ ‭ESV‬

When I was in elementary school I was bullied for my weight, by middle school I was deeply insecure and would do anything, literally, anything, to fit in and be liked, no matter who it was. I did make friends, but some lead me into activities that were not healthy or were creating trouble. I didn’t care what they were doing, whether it was harassing other students or even teachers, if it was bullying other classmates or starting fires in garages… I actually did that… I was so easily influenced at such a young age and I had a sweet heart, and truly loved everyone, that I was easy to manipulate and persuade. I gave into peer pressure a lot, which often got me into situations that kept me in suffering. There are consequences to our actions and by early high school I wasn’t making the greatest decisions. I wasn’t focused on school or school work, rather, I was seeking connection. I went to school to feel loved, because it was lacking at home. This ended in lots of detentions, failing classes, getting kicked out of the classroom, skipping school and getting grounded.

These delicate and awkward years of adolescence are so crucial to young hearts and minds. There is so much pressure to be part of a community. To find a group of people you connect with and feel part of a family. I will say, I did find this through sports, although I wasn’t as “good” as the other girls, I wasn’t as fast or as coordinated or as committed. I was often compared to these girls by my mom. Which lead to this pattern of competition & comparison with other women. I found myself sabotaging connections by doing this in my head. Pinning myself against them as if they were the enemy… this is how the enemy works & keeps women from genuinely connecting.

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” || Proverbs‬ ‭27:17‬

I had different groups of friends I would connect with in High School. I still have friends that I connect to today that I met in elementary school and middle school. They have seen me go through so many different cycles in my life. And I can still go to them and receive openness from them. This truly is a gift & it warms my heart to see & know them as we continue to grow & be shaped by life & our circumstances. There’s no need to compare journeys, because we were made unique by our Creator for a purpose. Praise the Lord!! If only I knew then what I know now…

On the other hand, as I grew through different stages in my life, into early adulthood, getting my first job and being surrounded by different influences and different women, I was exposed to a whole new world. And for a time I made deep connections with women in my life that were in a similar stage of life that I was. I was going out and drinking, having parties, going to parties. Going out to bars, staying out late, going to strip clubs, going to restaurants, going to concerts, going on road trips, going on vacations and having, at the time, what I considered “fun”. I had a group of friends and accuaintances that I would spend time with. But once again, there are consequences for your actions. At this time in my life I was drinking underage, I was drinking and driving and I was spending time with people that were influencing my drinking habits and I didn’t know it at the time, because honestly I didn’t care, but these activities were causing a great deal of harm to my body and to my mind. It was taking a toll on my mental health and overall wellness and I was considering it, friendship.

“Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us.” || 2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3:6‬

We relate from the stage of life we are in and in my twenties I was changing what felt like rapidly. I was facing things in my life that the people around me weren’t and I felt like I couldn’t relate to them anymore. They were getting engaged or moving in with their boyfriends, and I was not. I was facing heartbreak and hardship in my personal life that lead me into a self-help, self-love, self-healing journey. I cut this group of friends out of my life, both intentionally and unitentionally in order to work on and find myself. I felt like while others were moving on in relationships, I was moving on in relationship with my self. I was searching for more depth within relationships, not only with myself, but with a potential partner someday, with family members and with friends. I wanted something more from all these relationships, but at the time I didn’t know what that “something more” was.

This self-care journey lead me into the New Age Spiritual Community where I was making all sorts of new connections because I was expressing a whole new part of myself I had never before been in contact with. Honestly I was learning how to befriend myself, so that I could find authentic connections that were rooted in self love. Because you can’t love another if you can’t even love yourself, right? (This is partially true) Well thats what I though at the time, but I see now that in this New Age community I was relating to women who also had this deep mother wound that kept them, and myself, in cycles of insecurity and envy. Some of them were reflective of what I was searching for. But for some of them, they would present to my face, via social media, things like commenting on my posts, or talking over the phone or face timing, that they were sincere, but I still felt that there was this sense of abuse coming from these connections I was making in New Age. I thought they were coming from this state of unity and were soul connections. I even called them my Soul SiStars. Because I thought we were kindered spirits from past lifetimes. But I see for the most part, that we were just perpetuating this cycle of the mother wound. As much as I wanted these connections to be genuine and authentic. They weren’t. And I didn’t know it at the time but God was making it clear to me. And once again I was cutting out people in my life that didn’t actually care about me. They only cared about themselves. And it makes sense, because I only cared about myself as well. That’s what the New Age Spiritual Community will have you doing, but it will make you believe that you’re doing it all for humanity, for the whole. But the fruits of ones spirit will reveal themselves overtime.

“If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.” || Galatians‬ ‭5:25-26‬

After being saved by Jesus Christ from the New Age/Self Help/Self Love Movement, I found myself once again, desiring connection, friendship and community. I felt this sense of loss & loneliness as I started to share my faith and new beliefs in the community that portrays itself as love and light, yet as soon as you stop believing what they do, they stop supporting you as well. I felt this deep longing to find fellowship with sisters that were in Christ. I was praying day and night. I would cry my eyes out to the Lord, asking him to send me people in my life that could relate to me. And of course, my prayers were answered. But it didn’t happen overnight. I had, and still do, have to stay consistent in my prayers for friendship and He delivered. Always right on time, the miracle Maker that He is. Gave me the desires of my heart. I can feel Him working in my life in ways I never experienced before. Not even when I was in new age and trying to “manifest” all the desires of my heart. Instead, I’m giving them over to Him and He does His Magic. Which is beyond any form of “magic” practiced in the occult.

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” || Psalm‬ ‭37:3-4‬

I’ve made so many new connections in Christ over the last month specifically. And it has required me to step outside my comfort zone for sure. I’v had to open up and be vulnerable and trust my heart with other women. I’ve had to humbly share my testimony. I’ve had, and continue to, turn to prayer every time I’m in doubt. That mother wound that kept me from connecting with other women in a genuine, Christ centered way has healed as I have submitted more and more to Jesus, because He Knows the kind of women I need in my life to produce the fruits of His Holy Spirit. I’m letting Him lead me to women instead of following my heart. I know that the women He’s been placing in my life, aren’t just friends on earth, but also in the Kingdom of Heaven. Friendships that I will have for eternity. It makes my heart swell and overflow with gratitude. I’ve felt this desire in my heart for so long and I’ve done all the womb healing and all the mother healing and all the sisterhood in feminism stuff through the new age and none of it stuck, and I know now it’s because It wasn’t meant to. I was connecting to these women in new age from a place of demonic oppression which kept me believing lies the enemy was planting in my head about the connections I was making. They weren’t rooted in God. I thought I was finding my soul tribe, but really I was just keeping my self bound and tied to relationships that only had one thing in common, darkness… masked as “light”.

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” || 2 Corinthians‬ ‭6:14‬

Now, picture this, you’re a grown woman in her early thirties, planting new seeds in the name of Jesus Christ, making new friends in fellowship to the Lord, submitting to God to lead you to the women that He desires for you to know. You are completely transformed from within by His Love, by His friendship, by His relationship that you know without a doubt that where he guides, he will surely provide and it will look totally different from anything that you’ve expereiced before. He is the center of all your relationships and he is reconciling your connections with God through faithful sisterhood. He is restoring what has been torn down by the enemy and He is building His ministry, His Church, His Body through connections in His Name. He is redeeming your relationships to be a pillar of strength in sisters through His answered prayers. Giving you more blessings than you could ever ask for. Bringing you closer and closer to His Kingdom through friends rooted in faith.

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” || Romans‬ ‭12:9-21

Thank you for reading!

Blessings be with you, Ashley <3

———> be sure to check out my podcast where I dive deeper into this subject to talk about the power of prayer, finding friends in faith & redeeming relationships in the Body of Christ

Follow me on Instagram @dating.gods.son & find my podcast: Dating God’s Son on Spotify!